1. Posted: February 11, 2019In:

    A feeble and weak-kneed man must find a way out when he is forced to drive and help a criminal on the run, while being chased by the police who believes him to be an accomplice.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    I like the premise for this. Kind of a cross between Collateral and an episode of X-Files called Drive (starring Bryan Cranston) where Mulder is taking hostage and forced to drive a guy across the country. Check out the "our formula" tab to help with formatting. Inciting incident - See Richiev's verRead more

    I like the premise for this. Kind of a cross between Collateral and an episode of X-Files called Drive (starring Bryan Cranston) where Mulder is taking hostage and forced to drive a guy across the country.

    Check out the “our formula” tab to help with formatting.

    Inciting incident – See Richiev’s version. Perfectly sums it up.

    Protagonist – “feeble and weak-kneed” these are synonyms so pick one or go with something like “timid” as Richiev has done. “man”… this is pretty weak as a character description. You’re reducing the main character to just his gender. If his gender actually holds no bearing on the story then pick something more specific. Tell us who this character is and why that’s important. Richiev’s version, making him an uber driver, makes sense.

    Goal – To survive and not be arrested. Makes sense. What happens if he just jumps out of the car though? I feel like I need to understand why the criminal has to do it this way, why can’t he drive himself? If we can understand the criminal’s motives it might make the goal more solid. There can’t be an easy way out for this guy… and we need to understand why it has to be this guy.

    Antagonist – This guy is going to be a VERY big part of the story almost to the point of it being a buddy movie. I’d consider adding a characteristic for him so we can understand what the dynamic of this crucial relationship is going to be. Conflict is story. I kinda want him to be innocent… although this might be clich?d.

    Hope this helps. Looking forward to seeing where this goes.

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  2. Posted: February 11, 2019In:

    When a problematic medical student, on probation, discovers a plot to kill the imperial family and overthrow the current galactic dynasty, he offers his services to the mastermind terrorist and falls in love with his daughter while trying to undermine his plan.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    Currently, this is just a long way of saying the inciting incident which (as Richiev) has pointed out, is just the discovery of this plot. What happens next? Why is he disgraced and what bearing does that have on the story? Why is it relevant that he is practicing trans-species medicine? At the momeRead more

    Currently, this is just a long way of saying the inciting incident which (as Richiev) has pointed out, is just the discovery of this plot. What happens next?

    Why is he disgraced and what bearing does that have on the story? Why is it relevant that he is practicing trans-species medicine? At the moment, these are unnecessary to the story – as I understand it from this version of the logline. If they are really important then make sure we understand why.

    Hope this helps.

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  3. Posted: February 11, 2019In:

    When her father falls ill from a poisonous rhinog bite, a desperate daughter rushes to find the only thing that can cure him ? the elusive Lotumid herb.

    Best Answer
    Mike Pedley Singularity

    Do you mean rhino or rhinog? I appreciate that this is a fantasy so I'm just checking that this isn't a typo. My suggestion would be to remove these nouns - rhinog and lotumid - because they actually add nothing. Instead, just say "animal bite" and perhaps "healing herb". The story is identical andRead more

    Do you mean rhino or rhinog? I appreciate that this is a fantasy so I’m just checking that this isn’t a typo. My suggestion would be to remove these nouns – rhinog and lotumid – because they actually add nothing. Instead, just say “animal bite” and perhaps “healing herb”. The story is identical and you don’t have to worry about confusing anyone.

    This is a pretty solid logline and concept. A few things to think about though just from a story perspective:
    – Maybe ramp up the ticking clock. How long does he have?
    – What are the antagonistic forces working against her? Obviously time, but is there a rival group after the herb for different reasons?
    – What makes this herb so elusive? I kinda want a little more info to make me understand how hard this quest will be.

    Given the circumstances, “desperate daughter” is information that adds nothing to the logline. You’ve already mentioned that it’s her father who falls ill – so we know it’s his daughter. She’s trying to save his life – so we know she’s desperate. Give us more so we understand who this character really is. What’s her flaw (character arc)? What else could you tell us that’s important for the story?

    The only other thing is (and this is optional) whether it’s worth giving us a little more information about the world this is set in. Is it an alternate reality? Middle-Earth? Pandora? Are they human? I don’t think this is essential but it will help the reader visualise the whole thing a little better – particularly if it’s very specific in your mind.

    Good work though, looking forward to seeing where this goes.

    Hope this all helps.

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