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After his girlfriend is kidnapped, an insecure stickler for the rules is forced to put himself into increasingly more dangerous and illegal situations over the course of one night in order to get the money to rescue her, while being chased by the entire police force of his town.
I agree with CraigDGriffiths. All the elements are there, it needs to be tightened up though. Inciting incident - The only thing I'd consider changing is adding who actually kidnapped her. It makes us aware of who the antagonist actually is and, as CraigDGriffiths pointed out, can hint at their motiRead more
I agree with CraigDGriffiths. All the elements are there, it needs to be tightened up though.
Inciting incident – The only thing I’d consider changing is adding who actually kidnapped her. It makes us aware of who the antagonist actually is and, as CraigDGriffiths pointed out, can hint at their motive so they’re not just one dimensional bad guys.
Protagonist – “an insecure stickler for the rules” – could you just say he’s “a law-abiding worrier” or “a straight-laced worrywart”? I think this covers e everything you want to tell us in 3 fewer words.
Goal – “to rescue her” – ties up with the I.I. and makes sense. I think the actions he takes to achieve this could be trimmed quite a lot. “is forced to put himself into increasingly more dangerous and illegal situations over the course of one night in order to get the money” – 24 words… that’s a lot! Would something like “must break the law and avoid the cops to get the money” work?
When his girlfriend is kidnapped by her gangster ex-boyfriend, a law-abiding worrier must become a criminal and evade the cops in order to get enough money to rescue her.
Hope this helps.
See lessWith the Wild imagination that Chase Jones has, even he is surprised to be teaching ESL to a group of cocky, confident, sexy, funny, and all around goofy set of Immigrants who at all cost must pass the class, or risk being deported from the United States.
Have a look at the "Our formula" page to help with formatting. It's not far off and most of the components are there but at 47 words it could definitely do with being trimmed down. Ideally it needs to be 35 words or under.Inciting incident - currently this is the protagonist finding himself teachingRead more
Have a look at the “Our formula” page to help with formatting. It’s not far off and most of the components are there but at 47 words it could definitely do with being trimmed down. Ideally it needs to be 35 words or under.
Inciting incident – currently this is the protagonist finding himself teaching ESL (don’t assume everyone knows what ESL is by the way – maybe just say English). We need to understand why this is a big deal, why is he so surprised at it? This also needs to relate very closely to his goal (more on that in a bit).
Protagonist – You need to tell us information about this character that is directly relevant to the story you’re trying to tell. Firstly, scrap his name – it doesn’t tell us anything about him and it’s a waste of two words. Replace this with something informative – a profession, age, etc, as long as it’s related to the story. He’s wildly imaginative… great but how does this have any bearing on what will happen to him. Instead consider his major character flaw – this is what will change over the course of his story – otherwise known as his arc. In my head this would work better if you described him as “xenophobic”. Conflict is story and immediately you’ve thrown a guy who doesn’t like anything foreign with foreigners who can’t even speak the language… makes for entertaining viewing in my book. Dramatic irony is your friend!
Goal – As I mentioned previously, this must relate very heavily to the inciting incident. The I.I. asks a question of the protagonist and the goal is his answer e.g. What do you do when a shark kills a tourist on your beach? You try to kill the shark. Question and answer. As Richiev pointed out, your students have goals – to pass the class – but currently your protagonist doesn’t.
Stakes – It’s not essential to include stakes but we must have some idea why this is important to the protagonist – why can’t he just walk away. If the I.I. includes someone’s life at risk then the stakes are obvious but here it’s a little less apparent. The students risk being deported but what does the teacher risk? What happens if he fails?
When financial instability forces him to teach English to immigrants, an unemployed xenophobe must help a ragtag bunch of foreigners pass the class or risk losing his house and his family.? (31 words)
It’s not perfect by any means but I can see conflict, I can see a goal, I can see stakes, I can see humour, and I can see a nice arc for the protagonist.
I like the premise though and I look forward to seeing how this develops.
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter stumbling into an enchanted theme park, an insecure girl must find a way to lead rival factions of imaginary characters in a revolt against the park?s delusional architect who thinks she is his long-lost love.
Slightly concerned about a delusional architect believing a young girl is his long-lost love... creepy! Any chance he believes she is his long-lost daughter and he built the park for her? Less creepy and adds a little sympathy for the antagonist which is always good! Can we give the girl an age too.Read more
Slightly concerned about a delusional architect believing a young girl is his long-lost love… creepy! Any chance he believes she is his long-lost daughter and he built the park for her? Less creepy and adds a little sympathy for the antagonist which is always good! Can we give the girl an age too… this would help me imagine her character better.
I feel like the inciting incident and the goal don’t quite tie up currently. To me, stumbling into an enchanted theme park sets up a goal of getting back to the real world (Alice in Wonderland). If the goal is to lead a rebellion and defeat the architect then the inciting incident must relate to that. Maybe she has to defeat the architect in order to escape.
I think you can probably cut out ” must find a way to lead rival factions of imaginary characters in a revolt” and just have “must lead the park’s inhabitants in a revolt”. Trims a few words although I do understand why you’ve done this.
Interesting idea though. Looking forward to seeing where this goes.
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