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Once a refugee herself, a newly appointed CEO leads a global military logistics company to relocate millions of stateless refugees, restarting their new lives in a custom-built communist eco-technotropolis utopia.
I agree with Knightrider. It's just a very long way of describing the protagonist. What happens to her that turns her life upside down? What does she try and do to rectify this? ?Story is conflict and currently there is no conflict, just a CEO going about her day to day business. Give us a reason whRead more
I agree with Knightrider. It’s just a very long way of describing the protagonist.
What happens to her that turns her life upside down? What does she try and do to rectify this? ?Story is conflict and currently there is no conflict, just a CEO going about her day to day business. Give us a reason why her story is worth watching.
See lessDiscovering he has super powers, an unstable, reclusive 18 year old is recruited by the Super Secret Service to help stop one their own wanting to use their combined powers to rule humanity.
I can't help but see the similarity between this and X-Men. Inciting incident - I wonder if this is not the discovery of his powers but the appearance of the antagonist. A superhero is nothing without a super-villain to fight and that gives us the question and answer. Protagonist - Unstable and reclRead more
I can’t help but see the similarity between this and X-Men.
Inciting incident – I wonder if this is not the discovery of his powers but the appearance of the antagonist. A superhero is nothing without a super-villain to fight and that gives us the question and answer.
Protagonist – Unstable and reclusive – I’d maybe pick one of these. In my mind the instability can easily suggest a lack of confidence and by arcing to becoming more stable they become more confident. I’m thinking of Rogue in X-Men. ?I also want to get a stronger sense of why we’re following this character. What specifically about this guy will mean he is the one who turns the tide against the bad guy. This is really important! He can’t just be another team member.
Goal – Perfectly acceptable goal. I’d consider writing a logline from the antagonist’s POV too though to make sure their motives are as 3-dimensional as the protagonist’s. They have to have a reason why they want to rule humanity. In X-Men (sorry to keep referring back to it) Magneto has a backstory, motive, and justification for his actions – whether you agree with him or not, you still understand his POV.
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter a toxic incident occurs during an online gaming stream, the streamer and his close circle of friends are targeted in real life as the streamer attempts to find out who’s behind the attacks.
Check out the "Our formula" page for help with formatting. I imagine games can frequently get verbally and psychologically toxic so, in my head, the inciting incident that flips the protagonist's world upside down is when something happens to one of his friends. This then ties up to his goal of figuRead more
Check out the “Our formula” page for help with formatting. I imagine games can frequently get verbally and psychologically toxic so, in my head, the inciting incident that flips the protagonist’s world upside down is when something happens to one of his friends. This then ties up to his goal of figuring out what’s going on.
I think there needs to be more specifics in this logline. What does “game turns verbally and psychologically toxic” actually mean? How are the MC and his friends targeted in real life? What happens to them? What sort of game are they playing? You don’t actually specify that it’s an online game but I’m assuming that’s what you mean? It’s always better not to allow the reader to make assumptions about what’s going on because that could be the difference between someone reading your screenplay and discarding it completely. What’s a public lobby match? What’s the time frame of this story – 1 night? 1 week? There’s a lot of elements that have left me with a lot of questions and very little answers.
Where does the horror come into play? The genre you specify, particularly with horror and comedy, needs to be seen in your logline. The reader needs to understand where the horror/humour are coming from.
You don’t actually give this character a goal. Everything you’ve given us is just one long inciting incident. What happens next? Does the MC have to fight to stay alive? Does he have to fight to save his friends? This goal needs to be closely related to the inciting incident. The I.I. asks a question of the protagonist and they have to proactively seek to answer it. For example – “When a shark kills a tourist” – This asks a question, what is the hero going to do about the shark? “the MC tries to kill the shark” – That’s his answer.
Hope this helps.
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