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During the 1950?s in segregated Louisiana, a working-class African American mother and wife struggles with unforeseen births, deaths and racial issues while pursuing an unconventional career.
As usual, I agree with Dkpough1. I'm a little confused as to how a birth is unforeseen. I appreciate that there are occasions where it happens but in the majority of cases a woman would probably be aware of it. When choosing a genre, in my opinion, it must be obvious where the humour, terror, romancRead more
As usual, I agree with Dkpough1.
I’m a little confused as to how a birth is unforeseen. I appreciate that there are occasions where it happens but in the majority of cases a woman would probably be aware of it.
When choosing a genre, in my opinion, it must be obvious where the humour, terror, romance, drama etc is coming from in a logline. I would very much expect a logline in the “romance” genre to hint at a love interest at the very least. If the romantic element of this story is merely a subplot perhaps consider putting this in drama instead.
I won’t repeat what Dkpough has said about the inciting incident and the goal as he is spot on. However, I will say that, to me, dealing with births, deaths and racism is simply life for a black woman in 1950s Louisiana – “an African American woman struggles with life while pursuing an unconventional career.” That’s how I read this if it’s simplified a bit. It’s incredibly vague across the board. Is her career unconventional because she’s black? Because she’s a woman? Because she’s an alligator wrestler? Specificity is the key to making sure that the reader understands what the story is about.
My advice is tell us what her profession is when you describe her (a black nurse), switch the genre to a drama, and give us a clear inciting incident and the corresponding goal.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen a new long range torpedo is fired and goes missing, a submarine commander must find the torpedo before it finds a target and starts a war.
As Richiev stated, how does a torpedo go rogue? I feel there needs to be an antagonist who has fired this torpedo with the intention of starting WWIII. Whoever this antagonist is needs to have a better reason than just "because he wants to". I think you can lose "A newly turned Commander is given hiRead more
As Richiev stated, how does a torpedo go rogue? I feel there needs to be an antagonist who has fired this torpedo with the intention of starting WWIII. Whoever this antagonist is needs to have a better reason than just “because he wants to”.
I think you can lose “A newly turned Commander is given his first mission”. To me, this makes it sound planned. Always good to have a green Commander as the protagonist but I want him to find himself thrust in to this position and has to step up and save the day. As the protagonist he must be proactive. If he’s given the mission he’s simply following orders. There are quite a few military films that focus on somebody disobeying orders as it adds conflict and shows the hero proactively seeking a goal because he knows it’s the right course of action.
Why is there another submarine pursuing this torpedo? What is this adding to the story?
See lessAfter a bionic test leaves an island unresponsive, a company investigator and his friends come to see that the test have become weaponized automatically and cannot leave the island or it will destroy the planet.
Agree with Richiev's comments. You need to give us an inciting incident. Currently, all we have is an investigator going to an island. He's an investigator... he goes places. You need to tell us why this day/this investigation is different. What specifically happens on this island that turns his lifRead more
Agree with Richiev’s comments.
You need to give us an inciting incident. Currently, all we have is an investigator going to an island. He’s an investigator… he goes places. You need to tell us why this day/this investigation is different. What specifically happens on this island that turns his life upside down. That’s your inciting incident. In Richiev’s example it’s the discovery of a new form of bionics.
Whatever inciting incident you go with we need a corresponding goal. The current logline has no goal at all. What is he trying to achieve? Steal the tech? Unmask the company to the world? Save the planet?
What is the truth? I feel like you’re burying the hook slightly. The fundamental information that makes this story unique is missing.
Hope this helps.
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