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In 1970’s New York City, a self conscious awkward pre-teen girl desperately struggles to survive the chaos of her Mother’s drug addicted bipolar mania and fundamentalist religious cult.
I'm not sure that you need both "awkward" and "self-conscious". I think what you want us to know about the character comes across with either. What's the inciting incident that kicks this story off? Check out the "Our formula" tab at the top for help with this but it should be something that sets upRead more
I’m not sure that you need both “awkward” and “self-conscious”. I think what you want us to know about the character comes across with either.
What’s the inciting incident that kicks this story off? Check out the “Our formula” tab at the top for help with this but it should be something that sets up the goal and decides the protagonist’s course of action for the runtime. Richiev’s comment highlights that, currently, your protagonist doesn’t have a goal in the logline. The goal you have replied with “stability, security, fitting in, feeling normal” is fine but it really needs to be something visual that the audience can see on screen. Film is a visual medium after all. What actually happens at the climax of the movie?
Clearly the mother has a big part to play in this story so I would suggest thinking of a scene relating to her mother (she comes home to find her mother has overdosed) and then a corresponding goal (help get her mother sober). In the process, her internal goal can be to feel more “normal” or at least accept herself for who she is, but externally this all needs to be visually represented by other things because we can’t see what’s going on inside a character’s head. ?If you describe her as “awkward”, this goes someway to suggesting that her arc is one of self-assurance and new found confidence.
I’m not really sure where the cult comes into play. It feels like a bit of tag on at the end as it currently stands – if it’s important I think we may need a little more information about it and how the mother is involved. I would potentially either pick drugs or the cult though. Both feels a bit much but this is simply my opinion based on the information I’ve been given in this version of the logline.
Is there a reason why it’s set in 1970s NYC?
Hope this helps.
See lessA Psychic P.I. must enter his own mind to regain control of his body, before a vindictive former client who?s infecting his consciousness finds and kills his sister.
So he's a psychic PI... is the client psychic too? If not, how is the client infecting his consciousness? And how does that cause him to lose control of his body? Why does the client want to kill his sister? It seems like quite an extreme reaction without any apparent (in the logline at least) causaRead more
So he’s a psychic PI… is the client psychic too? If not, how is the client infecting his consciousness? And how does that cause him to lose control of his body? Why does the client want to kill his sister? It seems like quite an extreme reaction without any apparent (in the logline at least) causal effect. How does the psychic PI enter his own mind? Surely that’s just him thinking?
I appreciate that’s a lot of questions but I’m struggling to understand a few fundamentals about the plot.
The inciting incident is currently a bit vague. What is the event that flips the protagonist’s world upside down? It should be something like “When a vindictive former client threatens to kill his sister…”. This would correlate with the goal of protecting his sister. As it currently stands though I feel like the goal is simply to regain control of his body. I imagine that’s not the climax to you though.
I feel like you may need to strip this back and think what information is required for us to understand a) the world this is set in, ?b) the characters and c) the story.
I do like the whole Inception journey inside the head thing but I feel like it’s a bit gimmicky at the moment and needs to tie in to the world and the story a little better. This is the hook but for the most part the story works without it. It needs to be essential.
Hope this helps.
See lessA conspiracy theorist peddling shock jockey discovers his bosses are actually aliens using him to discredit their existence before they invade, now he must expose the truth… if anyone will believe him.
Interesting premise. As far as the logline goes, you've used 6 words simply to describe the protagonist. Any way to shorten this? I think by adding "lying" you potentially ruin the hero's credibility. As a character flaw, it's not a bad one, but in this scenario as soon as he's telling the truth hisRead more
Interesting premise.
As far as the logline goes, you’ve used 6 words simply to describe the protagonist. Any way to shorten this? I think by adding “lying” you potentially ruin the hero’s credibility. As a character flaw, it’s not a bad one, but in this scenario as soon as he’s telling the truth his arc is complete. That probably happens at the end of act I.
I would consider amending “his radio station and its parent media corporation” to something like “the TV networks”. If aliens control his radio station then why would they let his show air? You could easily set it up though that the aliens don’t view radio as a threat so they focus on TV.
It’s a really long inciting incident. At 32 words it really does need to be shortened. The changes above should help.
As far as the goal goes, I’d maybe switch if from “expose them for who they are” to something like “reveal the truth to mankind in order to free them”. I personally find it easier to imagine how a DJ could use his skills and experience to reveal the truth via pirate radio shows etc. I find it harder to imagine how he would expose the aliens. This is a really difficult one for me to try and explain as they are basically the same thing but I feel like relating his goal to his skills AND making the goal more centred on how he’s influencing mankind (given that the premise centres on mind control) is stronger than focusing on what he could do to the aliens. I hope that makes some sense… I’m not sure haha.
Hope this helps.
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