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After 10 years of trying to cure her condition that sends her to a different parallel universe every time she falls asleep, a obsessive girl finds herself returning to an alternate Earth for the first time and must work with an alternate version of her scientist father to discover the secret to controlling her ability in order to return home.
Apathetic? I'm not sure this is the best word to describe a protagonist. This suggests she shows or feels no interest - so why does she care about getting home? I appreciate what you said about home being where you belong, but I think there might be a better word than apathetic. It makes me think ofRead more
Apathetic? I’m not sure this is the best word to describe a protagonist. This suggests she shows or feels no interest – so why does she care about getting home? I appreciate what you said about home being where you belong, but I think there might be a better word than apathetic.
It makes me think of Quantum Leap a lot. He was always searching to get back home and never gave up hope. I think the same needs to be said for her. Currently all the events that have happened to her make her a passive protagonist, she hasn’t had a lot of choice. If you make it so she’s always fought to find her way home, always been proactive, then I think the audience will feel more when she finally does get back home.
I kinda don’t want her to get home until the act II climax. So we see how she’s actively trying to get home and it makes the moment she does that much more powerful. I think it’d be really cool for act I to be her ending up in the first parallel world, act II rejoins her 10 years later, but she’s got like a big book full of clues and information that she’s accumulated, and although she’s weary she’s never stopped fighting and that’s when she finally connects the dots that leads her to something (a macguffin) that enables her to get home at last.
Think it’s a really interesting idea! Looking forward to seeing where it goes.
See lessWhen prediction software found on the dark net determines he will die unless he kills a person he doesn?t know, a reclusive software scavenger must find the programme?s designer to alter his fate, but questions if his actions are leading him to his demise or his salvation.
I would potentially leave out "but questions if his actions are leading him to his demise or his salvation". This is a character considering their path inside their head. It's not visually interesting for the audience. Instead, can you represent these questions in his quest? Why is a reclusive softwRead more
I would potentially leave out “but questions if his actions are leading him to his demise or his salvation”. This is a character considering their path inside their head. It’s not visually interesting for the audience. Instead, can you represent these questions in his quest?
Why is a reclusive software scavenger going to believe this game? what happens to him that makes him buy into it?
See lessAfter failing to reconnect with his estranged daughter, a corrupt NYPD cop changes his ways and goes after mobsters that are attacking the city.
Currently there is no connection between the inciting incident and his goal. It's not made clear that the reason why he has changed his ways is to make an attempt to show his daughter that he can do better. It's also not explained that the reason why his daughter doesn't reconnect with him is becausRead more
Currently there is no connection between the inciting incident and his goal. It’s not made clear that the reason why he has changed his ways is to make an attempt to show his daughter that he can do better. It’s also not explained that the reason why his daughter doesn’t reconnect with him is because of his corruption. Without linking the inciting incident and the goal it doesn’t really work. Imagine the opening scene – the daughter rejecting him. Now the closing scene – the mobsters being locked in jail. The audience will be sitting there wondering what happened with his daughter.
As Knightrider has pointed out, you said that he “changes his ways”. That’s his character arc done in one scene. Draw it out, make us feel like this is a struggle for him. He’s a bad guy trying to make good for the sake of his daughter but with 20 years of corruption behind him that’s not gonna be easy. We need to feel like there’s a risk for him too. I feel like he just decides one day to throw all the mobsters in jail, so he does, the end. Why isn’t it that easy?
You said “goes after the mobsters”. His goal should be the end of that action… to throw the mobsters in jail. Or, in a bid to make it relate to the inciting incident, earn the respect of his daughter.
I’d maybe promote this guy too. He’s not just an NYPD cop… he’s a Captain, or a Sergeant, or a Chief. This increases what’s at stake for him because his reputation is on the line too.
Hope this all helps.
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