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When a Latina student travels to the US to work at a resort during her college’s vacations, she is threatened with salary and staff cuts for the off-season, she must to fight to keep her job and generate extra money to recoup her investment.
She's only travelled there for the vacation season, right? So, since she'll be heading back to college in the off-season, why is she threatened with salary cuts and being fired when she's not even going to be there? She doesn't need her job off-season, she'll be in school! What investment? (The bitRead more
She’s only travelled there for the vacation season, right? So, since she’ll be heading back to college in the off-season, why is she threatened with salary cuts and being fired when she’s not even going to be there? She doesn’t need her job off-season, she’ll be in school!
What investment? (The bit of text you’ve added below is fundamental to understanding her investment, but you might not have the opportunity to explain that to a reader).
See lessAfter her brother’s death, a college student must track down someone who created a deadly video streaming online who kills anyone who watches it.
There we go! There's a goal!! And with a little tweaking, it's a good goal as well. So... the inciting incident and the goal need to match up a little better. We need to know for sure, even though it's kinda implied, that the reason why her brother died is because he watched this video online. "YounRead more
There we go! There’s a goal!! And with a little tweaking, it’s a good goal as well.
So… the inciting incident and the goal need to match up a little better. We need to know for sure, even though it’s kinda implied, that the reason why her brother died is because he watched this video online.
“Young woman” – this is a pet peeve of mine. The entire weight of the story rests on her shoulders. Can you describe her in a way that teaches us more about who she is as a person and why we should care about her. I’d be offended if my parents, when asked to describe me in two words, couldn’t think of anything better than “young man”. This character is your baby… they deserve better!
Make those changes and you’ve got something that definitely falls into that Ring Anthology bracket. The only other thing I’d say is what can you do that makes this stand out more from the rest of the Ring series?
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter her brother’s death, a college student must track down someone who created a deadly video streaming online who kills anyone who watches it.
Most of your loglines have the same issue. They are simply an inciting incident. That's it! It's incredibly frustrating to constantly write the same feedback over and over without it ever seemingly making any difference. If you want to learn, then great, let's learn together as a community of loglinRead more
Most of your loglines have the same issue. They are simply an inciting incident. That’s it!
It’s incredibly frustrating to constantly write the same feedback over and over without it ever seemingly making any difference. If you want to learn, then great, let’s learn together as a community of logliners. If you don’t want to learn, then expect people to stop reviewing and you’re on your own.
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