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A writer’s life has turned upside down when he suspects his mentally ill twin brother who kidnapped, sexually abused and murdered his daughter.
So what's he going to do about it? You've given us an inciting incident, but that's all. "life has turned upside down" - This is a pet peeve of mine in a logline. All it means is (when your really think about it) something dramatic changes in the protagonist's life. That's it! And that is kinda oneRead more
So what’s he going to do about it? You’ve given us an inciting incident, but that’s all.
“life has turned upside down” – This is a pet peeve of mine in a logline. All it means is (when your really think about it) something dramatic changes in the protagonist’s life. That’s it! And that is kinda one of the fundamentals of storytelling. Something has happened that is worth writing a story about. In my opinion, it’s pretty much a given.
Your hero is simply a “man”. This guy is supporting the weight of the entire story on his shoulders so perhaps consider fleshing him out a bit more. “Man” could be anything from 18-100+. In story terms, that changes things considerably. If his daughter died 40 years ago, it would be a very different story to if his daughter was found dead 2 days ago. So he’s a man… but who is he really?
“Double Suspicion” – According to your logline, he doesn’t suspect his twin brother, he discovered this to be true. So there’s no suspicion at all.
Since you’ve put in this in Thriller, my guess is that he doesn’t just go to the police. If it was a story about dealing emotionally with the consequences of this event, I imagine it would be in Drama. Since it’s Thriller, my guess is that he’s going after his brother. You need to tell us that! You need to tell us what this “man” is going to do about this. That’s key. Without a goal, you’ve got nothing for the protagonist to do after Act I.
Hope this helps.
See lessA hardheaded businesswoman must convince an eccentric maker of wind chimes to sell his land if she hopes to complete her most ambitious real estate development and avoid bankruptcy
Why is it important that we know he makes wind chimes? I actually think it's an interesting bit of character exposition but I'm wondering if that has any further purpose in the film. Could he be referred to as an eccentric craftsman or something instead? Odie hit on something interesting... this souRead more
Why is it important that we know he makes wind chimes? I actually think it’s an interesting bit of character exposition but I’m wondering if that has any further purpose in the film. Could he be referred to as an eccentric craftsman or something instead?
Odie hit on something interesting… this sounds like a rom-com… you’ve put it in drama, so I would consider doing something to either ramp up the serious dramatic beats, or push it further into rom-com territory.
How is she going to “convince him”? Keep in mind that this is the bit that must sustain most of Act II (40mins+). I think even just suggesting she’s going to try increasingly more inventive methods would work.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen an adventurous village boy is sought-after by a giant for tricking his dragon friend, he must venture into the unknown to stop the giant’s plans to destroy the village.
I think I got much more understanding from the accompanying paragraph than the logline itself. A logline needs to be as visual as possible so "venture into the unknown"... how does this look on-screen? Actually though, having read the additional paragraph, he's not venturing anywhere unknown at allRead more
I think I got much more understanding from the accompanying paragraph than the logline itself.
A logline needs to be as visual as possible so “venture into the unknown”… how does this look on-screen? Actually though, having read the additional paragraph, he’s not venturing anywhere unknown at all – he’s just going into the woods to find the giant’s house.
The dragon is somewhat superfluous to the story after the inciting incident. Consider this from both an audience perspective and a producer’s perspective:
Audience – They’re shown something as exciting and visually impressive as a dragon only for the dragon to not really feature at all in the rest of the movie. As an audience member, I’d be thinking “why isn’t the dragon the one getting revenge?”. Surely, that’s much stronger?
Producer – Not only do I have to have a budget for a CGI giant but also a CGI dragon that doesn’t feature after Act I. My guess is that every producer would say pick one because, not only does the story not need two, you wouldn’t get the budget for something that doesn’t really have much of an impact to the story.
I like the idea of the town having to decide whether to hand the boy over BUT people standing around deliberating… not very exciting! What else could they do? What is our hero of the story doing while they’re all deciding his fate? What are the villagers doing once the boy goes off?
How exactly is this boy going to stop a giant destroying the village? What is he going to discover at the giant’s house? I feel like the logline needs to hint at a bit more of a plan. We need to have some confidence this boy could succeed.
I would focus on either the dragon or the giant, scrap the other. Work out what the boy did to warrant this action from them, then give us a bit more of a clue what his goal is and how he’s going to achieve that.
Hope this helps.
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