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In stepping up to talk to the girl that took his breath away, a timid boy enters her world of seduction and murder and in pursuit of her he will learn the great and terrible things Man is capable of.
Check out the formula page to help with formatting. What's the inciting incident that kicks the story off? This event should have a direct relationship to the rest of the story e.g. swimmer gets killed by shark, men try to kill shark.?How does simply "stepping up" to her result in him entering her wRead more
Check out the formula page to help with formatting.
What’s the inciting incident that kicks the story off? This event should have a direct relationship to the rest of the story e.g. swimmer gets killed by shark, men try to kill shark.?How does simply “stepping up” to her result in him entering her world. Surely they have to interact. She has to let him in? What actually happens in this scene? When he steps up to her, does he see a dead body at her feet? Does she warn him not to pursue her? Does she kidnap him? Does she ask for help? Give us a little more to go on.
“Boy”… you might want to clarify the age we’re talking about here. Boy (to me) suggests pre-teen (otherwise you’d say teenager). If it’s a “boy” there’d be an assumption that the girl is of similar age. We need a few more specifics about the characters to understand the world we’re in.
What starts off as a logline for a romance, suddenly talks about seduction and murder – it’s a big leap with no connection between the elements. Why is this a horror film and not a thriller?
Is his goal to get the girl? To stop the murders? To save the girl? To “learn the great and terrible things Man is capable of”? Give him a clear visual goal e.g. to kill the shark.
“learn the great and terrible things Man is capable of” – this is a lot of unnecessary words that don’t add anything to the logline. Every story involves someone learning something and it’s usually finding out that they are better than they thought or someone else is worse than they imagined… this is pretty much a given. Don’t clutter up a logline with words that don’t tell us about the story.
This is all very vague and, at the moment, I don’t understand what the story is about. Give us more information and be specific.
I look forward to the next draft.
See lessA lonely stoner scientist develops a method for reversing zombification thanks to a girl he used to smoke weed with then sets out to find and cure his girlfriend but ends up having feelings for his old friend on the way.
Check out the formula tab for help with formatting.What's the inciting incident? What is the event that kick starts the story?How does the fact that he's perpetually stoned play into the story? How does the fact he's a scientist impact the story? There needs to be some obvious connection between hisRead more
Check out the formula tab for help with formatting.
What’s the inciting incident? What is the event that kick starts the story?
How does the fact that he’s perpetually stoned play into the story? How does the fact he’s a scientist impact the story? There needs to be some obvious connection between his occupation, characteristics and the goal he’s trying to achieve.
Is his goal to win back his girlfriend or rescue her? If she’s a zombie how is he going to win her back? As a zombie, surely she’s not capable of a rational thought like deciding that she wants to be his girlfriend again.
How is this zombie film going to be different? The zombie sub-genre is massively oversaturated and it’s really rare for one to stick in people’s minds. Warm Bodies was a great, original take and it still got lost a bit amid the hoards. How is yours going to stand out? What’s your hook?
I look forward to the next draft.
See lessAfter a new energy source is used to power an entire city, a young cleaning lady is called to protect the city from supernatural threats called Jinn that are attracted to the energy source. The Jinn take over human bodies and give their hosts supernatural powers.
A young cleaning lady is called on to protect a whole city. How? Why? She's seemingly just a normal person and yet she's suddenly given the responsibility of saving everyone. You need to give us more information than this <-- this is based on your first version.As dpg said, just saying "with poweRead more
A young cleaning lady is called on to protect a whole city. How? Why? She’s seemingly just a normal person and yet she’s suddenly given the responsibility of saving everyone. You need to give us more information than this <– this is based on your first version.
As dpg said, just saying “with powers” is too general. How do her powers relate to the jinn? Why is she the only one who can stop them? why a cleaning lady?? Give her a characteristic too, she’s our protagonist, sell her story to us!
I don’t think we need to know that they are called jinn (djinn). I don’t think it’s relevant to the story.
The inciting incident is surely when the jinn first arrive at the city not when the new power source is used. Why can’t they just flip the power source back? It seems there is a very easy solution…
The jinn take over humans and give them supernatural powers. Why? They are attracted to the energy source, not humans. What’s their motivation for possessing people? Without understanding what they want and/or need, how is anybody going to be able to defeat them.
All these elements need to be connected together. It’s too random at the moment. Tie it all up.
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