1. Posted: July 22, 2018In:

    After completing 15 years of prison term, falsely prosecuted an innocent taxi driver begins his deadly game of vengeance with the mob boss he considers responsible for his family’s murder. But on the course he discovers his daughter is still alive and in their captive.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    When does he discover that his daughter's still alive? If it's pretty early in the story then consider making this the inciting incident. Richiev's version reduces the word count considerably and does a great job of summing your story up but is his goal to rescue his daughter or kill all the mobsterRead more

    When does he discover that his daughter’s still alive? If it’s pretty early in the story then consider making this the inciting incident.

    Richiev’s version reduces the word count considerably and does a great job of summing your story up but is his goal to rescue his daughter or kill all the mobsters? If the inciting incident is finding out his daughter is still alive then the goal is to rescue her. If that’s saved for a twist (Act II to III?) then consider not including the fact that his daughter is alive but simply allude to it.

    If he’s in prison for 15 years for murdering his wife and daughter isn’t 15 years a pretty lenient sentence?

    What’s going to make this story stand out from other similar stories? Where’s your hook? Think about Oldboy – the guy was imprisoned for 15 years and he has no idea who did it or for what reason so he sets out to simply find out the answers. It’s so simple yet immediately gets you interested.

    Hope this helps.

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: July 22, 2018In:

    King Rossi, a famous New York City criminal who has a great interest in football and World Cup, gives an order to a group of professional thieves to steal the Original Cup from the Fifa Museum.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    As Richiev said, who is the protagonist? If it's King Rossi (don't need to include names in a logline - just a characteristic) then does he just sit back and wait for the thieves to deliver the cup? Where's his conflict? What's his story? Who/what are the antagonistic forces? Who is trying to stop tRead more

    As Richiev said, who is the protagonist? If it’s King Rossi (don’t need to include names in a logline – just a characteristic) then does he just sit back and wait for the thieves to deliver the cup? Where’s his conflict? What’s his story?

    Who/what are the antagonistic forces? Who is trying to stop the thieves? Police? Rival criminals?

    Make the reader feel like this isn’t just an ordinary job. You need a hook.

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: July 20, 2018In:

    When a plague of supernatural scoundrels menaces a tiny frontier town, its hot-headed deputy is forced to drag his boyfriend out of monster hunter retirement to save the citizens?even if their heroics jeopardize their budding romance.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    This new version is much better."Supernatural scoundrels" - as much as I like a bit of alliteration I can't visualise what supernatural scoundrels are. Can you describe them more cinematically? What are they trying to achieve? Rob the bank? Eat people? Currently, it sounds like they're just menacingRead more

    This new version is much better.

    “Supernatural scoundrels” – as much as I like a bit of alliteration I can’t visualise what supernatural scoundrels are. Can you describe them more cinematically? What are they trying to achieve? Rob the bank? Eat people? Currently, it sounds like they’re just menacing for fun. It would be better if they had a goal too.

    The protagonist is the Sheriff’s Deputy who convinces his monster-hunting boyfriend to save the town. I want the protagonist to be fighting the monsters. I’m sure that will be the case but I think that should be reflected in the logline. It kinda seems like the protagonist’s goal is simply to get his boyfriend to save the town. Make it clear that they are fighting together (if that’s the case). Alternatively, make the boyfriend the protagonist with a backstory (these supernatural beasties killed his partner – make it personal). Is there a reason why the MC is the deputy rather than the boyfriend?

    Where’s the Sheriff in all of this? I’m just curious.

    See less
    • 0