1. Posted: July 20, 2018In:

    A group of Nazi solider’s try to cut off Russian forces by taking a shortcut through an abandoned mine, but something begins to hunt them through the dark tunnels.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    What's the inciting incident? It should be when the first person turns up dead in the mine. It's the event that kick starts the story and the story is about them being hunted.Does the thing that hunts them relate in any way to them being Nazis? The fact that they're Nazis needs to be relevant. Why NRead more

    What’s the inciting incident? It should be when the first person turns up dead in the mine. It’s the event that kick starts the story and the story is about them being hunted.

    Does the thing that hunts them relate in any way to them being Nazis? The fact that they’re Nazis needs to be relevant. Why Nazis? Why this time period?

    You need a single protagonist ideally. The leader of this group.

    You’re also making Nazis the heroes of this story… is that your intention? You have to make the audience empathise with a group of Nazis and want them to survive. That could prove difficult although there are films have Germans in WWII as the protagonists – Das Boot springs to mind. Downfall is another although I’m not sure the audience is ever rooting for Hitler…

    If the protagonist is actually the person/thing that is hunting them through the mine, the logline needs to be written from their perspective.

    (You don’t need an apostrophe on soldiers btw).

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  2. Posted: July 20, 2018In:

    When a plague of supernatural scoundrels menaces a tiny frontier town, its hot-headed deputy is forced to drag his boyfriend out of monster hunter retirement to save the citizens?even if their heroics jeopardize their budding romance.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    The main plot is saving the citizens from the supernatural pests - not sure I would put this in the "romance" genre. How does saving the citizens jeopardise their relationship?My biggest issue is you have supernatural pests, magic-wielding cowboys, vampires, and the Wild West. That's a lot of differRead more

    The main plot is saving the citizens from the supernatural pests – not sure I would put this in the “romance” genre. How does saving the citizens jeopardise their relationship?

    My biggest issue is you have supernatural pests, magic-wielding cowboys, vampires, and the Wild West. That’s a lot of different components for an audience to get their head around in one movie and I wanna know why? Why does it have to be set in the Wild West? Why does the boyfriend have to be a vampire? Why does the cowboy have to wield magic? All of these elements have to be included for a good reason and be instrumental to the plot – they couldn’t achieve their goal if they weren’t a wizard and a vampire. The fact that it’s in a tiny frontier town aids/hinders them how? This cowboy wields magic… how is some supernatural pests going to be a problem for him? Surely the vampire is only useful if the pests attack at night…? Do the townsfolk accept a wizard and a vampire living amongst them? So many questions!!!

    Where’s the arc for the cowboy? What does he learn? There is currently nothing that suggests he goes on a “journey”. As Nicholas said, is there a way to make the threat more personal??

    As a logline, I think it kinda hits the right notes, but as a story I worry that there’s simply too much that you’re trying to do.?Personally, I think it would be a better story if the cowboy and his boyfriend were just normal human beings. It’s then an uphill struggle and a seemingly impossible goal that can unite the town. Maybe the result is that their gay relationship is accepted by the townsfolk. Most great films are comparatively simple – one man’s quest to kill a shark, one man’s quest to become a better father, one woman’s quest to save her friendship, etc etc.

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  3. Posted: July 20, 2018In:

    After a suicidal client in a rough part of town steals euthanasia drugs, a house-call vet must keep him talking until the police arrive.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    Is the fact that he's in a rough part of town relevant? If so, clarify. If not, remove. When you say 'client' do you mean the vet's client? There's a pet somewhere then. Surely the police would be there in a few minutes so, as dpg said, there doesn't seem to be enough for a feature. You need to makeRead more

    Is the fact that he’s in a rough part of town relevant? If so, clarify. If not, remove. When you say ‘client’ do you mean the vet’s client? There’s a pet somewhere then. Surely the police would be there in a few minutes so, as dpg said, there doesn’t seem to be enough for a feature. You need to make us care for both the client and the vet so that we care whether the guy kills himself. Currently, there’s nothing to suggest why we should.

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