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This is a personal spec
A logline should be 1 sentence and ideally no more than 40 words (but preferably as few as possible). Check out the formula tab for help with how to format a logline. As CraigDGriffiths said, specificity is good. Deep history - what's that? Tragedy - what happened? Vengeance - on who? Love of his liRead more
A logline should be 1 sentence and ideally no more than 40 words (but preferably as few as possible). Check out the formula tab for help with how to format a logline.
As CraigDGriffiths said, specificity is good. Deep history – what’s that? Tragedy – what happened? Vengeance – on who? Love of his life – who/what’s this? Has he just lost the love of his life or everything?
Also, currently you seem to have two goals. 1) seeking vengeance 2) protecting his family (although I’m confused by who he is protecting his family from). Which is his primary goal?
Removing certain words can easily reduce your logline down. “is hit with tragedy” – you’ve told us he loses everything, a reader would understand that’s tragic. “a deep history that he tries to leave behind” – be more specific e.g. “ex-con” or “recovering alcoholic” or “retired hitman”. All of those would hint at a history that he might want to leave behind and can also give us clues as to the nature of the story. For example – if you said “ex-con” we could assume that his criminal past is catching up with him and his old friends might be the antagonistic forces working against him.
Hope this helps. I look forward to the next draft.
See lessIn an isolated castle the 12th in line to the Earl of Northwattington, a young man attends the late Earl?s will reading but one by one the heirs are being killed. He tries to save them but is undermined by his money hungry fianc
Have you ever seen the Alec Guinness film 'Kind Hearts and Coronets'? It has a very similar premise but the MC is the guy doing the killing. His mother was banished from the family and he was brought up in poverty so upon discovering that there are only 8 people (all played by Alec Guinness) betweenRead more
Have you ever seen the Alec Guinness film ‘Kind Hearts and Coronets’? It has a very similar premise but the MC is the guy doing the killing. His mother was banished from the family and he was brought up in poverty so upon discovering that there are only 8 people (all played by Alec Guinness) between him and the inheritance, he systematically starts killing them off (and making it look like accidents). It’s a great film!
In ‘KH&C’, the MC is taking positive action towards his goal (even if it is killing people). In your idea, currently, the MC is more of a bystander with events occurring around him. Is there a way to more actively involve him? Is there a 13th in line (and 14th, 15th, etc) that he could actually start competing with? Or maybe the castle is like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory and the other 11 get ceremoniously bumped off for their sins?
I think there’s great potential in this, I just want to root for the MC a bit more.
See lessWhen he?s enslaved by aliens, a New York mob boss must rally his fellow prisoners, take over the spaceship and teach his captors; even in space, the mob rules.
>>> break out and rescue his crewWere they abducted too? That's not made clear in the logline so might be worth clarifying.>>>The mobsters are from 1930s ChicagoSo this film is set in the 1930s? I'd maybe include that too as that sets the scene. Without that the reader could assumeRead more
>>> break out and rescue his crew
Were they abducted too? That’s not made clear in the logline so might be worth clarifying.
>>>The mobsters are from 1930s Chicago
So this film is set in the 1930s? I’d maybe include that too as that sets the scene. Without that the reader could assume it was a modern day gangster film which would feel very different to this. Tony Soprano isn’t a 1930s gangster…?
Why have they abducted this guy? On a galactic black market (where gangsters are high value items) surely Al Capone would fetch a much higher price? Do the aliens imitate 1930s gangsters?
I like the premise I just think certain elements need clearing up. I think the idea of a 1930s gangster movie in space could work well, particularly as a comedy – I’m seeing aliens with galactic Tommy guns. I kinda feel like the aliens have to admire Earth’s gangsters or something – there has to be a connection between them. I’m thinking of Galaxy Quest – the aliens believe that the TV show is real and that’s why they abduct the stars because they need the hero they believe Tim Allen (et al) is. In this I feel like it would work better if the reason why he’s abducted was clarified.
As dpg said, the goal could be shortened to just getting back home to Earth – the rest would be implied if he was imprisoned on their ship.
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