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When his best friend dies in a drive by shooting, a naive vagrant must escape the harsh streets of his home world to join the galactic armed forces, endure their harsh training and battle nightmarish aliens to become a space knight.
How does the inciting incident relate to his goal of becoming a space knight? Couldn't he become a space knight before his best friend died? Is his friend's dying wish for him to become a space knight? Why do we care about him becoming a space knight? I'll stop saying space knight now. What happensRead more
How does the inciting incident relate to his goal of becoming a space knight? Couldn’t he become a space knight before his best friend died? Is his friend’s dying wish for him to become a space knight? Why do we care about him becoming a space knight? I’ll stop saying space knight now.
What happens if he doesn’t reach his goal? I’m struggling to see any interesting conflict other than enduring training.
In Starship Troopers, the characters only get citizenship if they enlist – something that’s desired. Even then, the protagonist, Rico, only joins to follow his girlfriend, Carmen, who has dreams of becoming a pilot. They have motives for enlisting. Currently, your character doesn’t. If you connect his friend to the military then it could work, or if the protagonist has no choice or is arrested and forced to choose between prison or enlisting then it could also work.
Problems on a global scale should have an appropriate goal. The world is threatened by aliens so the goal should be to save the world. What I want to see is how this guy saves the world after he becomes a space knight – and I want it to be something that his best friend has taught him. Tie it all together!
Hope all this makes sense and helps in some way.
See lessA group of students decide to throw one last party for their graduation aboard a luxury cruise liner, but the event slowly starts to turn into a nightmare when a stow away begins to wreak havoc on board, punishing the students for their past wrong doings.
I have the same questions/comments as yqwertz and variable plus a few more. Someone in the group needs to be the protagonist. They need a leader and the logline should focus on this person. Who's going to lead the group? Or, as it's a horror, who's the last person standing? The leader is a good persRead more
I have the same questions/comments as yqwertz and variable plus a few more.
Someone in the group needs to be the protagonist. They need a leader and the logline should focus on this person. Who’s going to lead the group? Or, as it’s a horror, who’s the last person standing? The leader is a good person to kill in a horror as it ups the stakes.
I’ve gotta ask – how can a group of students afford to throw a party on a luxury cruise liner….? A cruise liner suggests a ship that takes hundreds of people around the Caribbean (or similar). A luxury yacht would make more sense to me. If it’s someone’s Daddy’s yacht immediately I have nice mental image of the group of people we’re talking about too. This could just be my interpretation but my google image results show lots of pretty huge ships…
The inciting incident needs to be something specific. Something that can happen in one scene. Like “When the body of a student is found with a message cut into his flesh…” Think visually – what’s that one moment that kick starts the plot? As they’re on a boat and everyone’s gonna be wondering why they don’t just turn the boat around and head home maybe the stowaway sabotages the boat and the radio and they’re stranded at sea. Perfect! Monster in the House!!
“Event slowly turns into a nightmare” – Don’t use slowly! It’s a boring word that makes me think that I’ll spend the first 60mins waiting for something exciting to happen. What I really want is a quick, sharp shock that flips the story in the first 20mins or so. It’s a perfectly normal party then BOOM it’s a nightmare. If you’re planning on teasing the group, making them paranoid and drawing out the reveal then that could work BUT I wouldn’t describe this as happening “slowly” as there will be still be a turning point – that quick, simple moment when they realise they’re not alone.
How is this going to be different to other teen slasher films (scream, I know what you did last summer, etc)? What’s the hook?
Overall I think you just need to focus more on the specifics – wreak havoc how? punishes the students how? Sounds cool though.
See lessAfter her source is killed, a discredited journalist struggles to unravel and expose a diabolical plot by the world leader in DNA test kits before she becomes his next victim.
This is really close. I think the diabolical plot needs to be expanded upon to give us a better idea why this is important. To me, a world leader in DNA test kits wouldn't be an individual but a company so this jars with the "she becomes his next victim". There's a confusing mix of global and personRead more
This is really close. I think the diabolical plot needs to be expanded upon to give us a better idea why this is important. To me, a world leader in DNA test kits wouldn’t be an individual but a company so this jars with the “she becomes his next victim”. There’s a confusing mix of global and personal.
Has the protagonist been discredited based on the work trying to expose this plot?
I think the stakes are bigger than it just claiming her life. If the company (or individual) is doing something that affects the whole of humanity then that should be what’s at stake rather than just her life. A global plot has global implications. I would maybe consider something like “a discredited journalist puts hers life on the line to expose a plot to XXXXX before XXXXX”. The protagonist is then someone who is prepared to sacrifice herself for the cause and that gives you someone the audience will get behind.
As Nicholas suggested, you need to tie the DNA stuff into the rest of the plot.
Also, “action” genre… the logline sounds like a mystery thriller to me. A journalist (who fights with words) searches for clues… cover ups… trading in company secrets. There may be elements of action in it but I’m not sure I can see explosions, fight scenes, gunfire, etc. in this.?
Sounds interesting though, I look forward to seeing where this one goes.
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