Reviewing version 2 //?

As Nir Shelter pointed out there is no longer an inciting incident but you’re getting closer. This needs to be how she discovered the weapon and it needs to be exciting and visual. This first scene is the audience’s first introduction to your SciFi world and you need to show them around and make sure they understand it fully before the story really kicks in. If telepathy is such a strong feature, the inciting incident should use it BUT figure out a way to make this visual. Telepathy is a boring superpower onscreen because it all happens inside their heads.

“Install a countermeasure” is a very vague goal and again, it all sounds too easy. Why not “must lead a group of highly-skilled misfits and break into a high security government facility to disable the device before…” Now I can see the story. This is the bit of the logline that describes the bulk of the story so it needs to sound like there’ll be obstacles to overcome.

“Anti-telepath weapon” – it’s better than the whole deep emotion thing but make it more primal. Does this machine simply disable the ability to telepathically communicate? Make it a machine that will kill all the telepaths and if it is, stick it in the logline.

After overhearing a government plot to wipe out all telepaths while being tortured for her abilities, an antisocial telepath must?lead a group of skilled misfits, break into a high security facility and disable the device capable of wiping out her kind.

This is way too wordy but hopefully it gives you some ideas.

As dpg said it’s getting incredibly close to The Wrestler – the entire daughter subplot is almost a carbon copy. But your synopsis has cleared a fair few things up and the hook is definitely the prison shows and this leading to a shot at the big time is great.

The inciting incident, at least to me, is when Francis starts wrestling in prison as that’s what kick starts his journey to his goal – ?to make it as a pro wrestler. There are a couple of things that bother me though. If his knee injury forced him to retire when he had nearly made it… why is this suddenly not an issue in prison where he doesn’t even have the weed to help? My other issue is that wrestling is a performance that relies on all performers being in on it. If he’s attacked by a gang of thugs for real – whilst he might be strong and formidable would he really be able to take them all on in a prison brawl? Personally – I’d love to see that scene but I think it would be more realistic if he loses this fight but the thug boss is impressed. If he wins, thug boss is gonna want revenge and that ain’t gonna end well. Maybe thug boss is a wrestling fan too – I feel like there has to be something that draws these two together.

Parallels could be drawn with the first Rocky film. The interesting thing with Rocky is that the inciting incident doesn’t occur til quite a way into the film. In your case I think a similar approach could work – taking time to establish him as a down-and-out wrestler, who smokes weed, never made it and then suddenly he finds himself in with a chance. Make sure it’s different enough though.

I’d seriously reconsider the daughter subplot. Potentially change it to something that’s not so familiar (son has also kinda been done in the Rocky films). Also, in the continuing hunt for a good logline – find your inciting incident, work out his goal and the antagonistic forces and what he stands to lose.