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2112: the government is about to destroy a city?s ability for deep emotion, an outcast telepath must trade in her beloved, to rescue someone murdered in the past to start an uprising.
I have the same questions as variable. I'm so confused by so many elements of this logline that it hurts my brain. Check out the formula tab to help with formatting.Why is the government destroying the city dweller's ability for deep emotion? Saying she's going to "trade in" someone she loves... thaRead more
I have the same questions as variable. I’m so confused by so many elements of this logline that it hurts my brain. Check out the formula tab to help with formatting.
Why is the government destroying the city dweller’s ability for deep emotion? Saying she’s going to “trade in” someone she loves… that’s makes her sound cold-hearted (which isn’t great for a protagonist… not only is she not saving the cat but she’s sacrificing her true love) and I struggle to understand why. Why is it only this person who was murdered who can start an uprising? How does one even go about trading in a loved one for a dead person??
There’s a lot of double mumbo-jumbo in here – in this SciFi world governments can destroy emotion, there’s telepathy, the ability to bring people back from the dead, and/or possibly time travel(?). I worry that’s a lot for audiences to get their head around – particularly in a short! (If ‘double mumbo-jumbo’ means nothing to you, I highly recommend ‘Save the Cat!’ by Blake Snyder)
I get that it’s set in 2112 BUT if this is on earth then mankind has evolved really far in 100 years! It’s a little unbelievable given how little we’ve evolved in the last 100 years. Our achievements have been technologically based. Unless this uses technology to make all of this possible (which is still a little far fetched – see double mumbo-jumbo above) then I would have concerns. If it’s not on earth – maybe add that in… 2112 Blargon Seven.?
As variable asked – is this written already? If so, how many pages?
See lessA jailed former wrestler, gets another chance in the spotlight by putting on wrestling shows in prison, but after his early parole, he struggles to cope without it.
Your revision //?When a former wrestler is released from prison, he makes national headlines, when he commits a crime to get sent back to the only place the spotlight still shines. Is the story about him planning and committing the crime to end up back in prison? I'm not sure where the story takes pRead more
Your revision //?When a former wrestler is released from prison, he makes national headlines, when he commits a crime to get sent back to the only place the spotlight still shines.
Is the story about him planning and committing the crime to end up back in prison? I’m not sure where the story takes place and I think you’ve lost the hook – wrestling shows in prison – that’s what I wanna see! I get that his goal is to get back to prison but with this version, in my opinion, it sounds like he simply gets released, commits a crime and then gets what he wants. Where’s the struggle? The goal has to be difficult for him to get, there has to be conflict and drama otherwise there is no story.
“the only place the spotlight still shines” there is nothing in this version that explains why he liked prison. We need a clue to understand why the protagonist is acting the way he is.
Think about where the bulk of your story takes place. Inside or outside the prison? What happens to kick start the story? What antagonistic forces are working against him? He’s willingly giving up his freedom so what’s he risking? Does he have a family? Friends? As the reader we have to care enough about this character to want to watch him achieve his goal and the logline has to give us something that alludes to what that is.
I hope that helps. Is the screenplay written already or is this just an idea?
See lessA jailed former wrestler, gets another chance in the spotlight by putting on wrestling shows in prison, but after his early parole, he struggles to cope without it.
Sounds interesting. I'd maybe reorder this to fit the formula suggested on this site. Also, there is currently two inciting incidents - 1. He's getting another chance in the spotlight & 2. He's given early parole. Where does the story start? After he's released or when he's allowed to put on shoRead more
Sounds interesting. I’d maybe reorder this to fit the formula suggested on this site. Also, there is currently two inciting incidents – 1. He’s getting another chance in the spotlight & 2. He’s given early parole. Where does the story start? After he’s released or when he’s allowed to put on shows in prison? Once you’ve established this make sure you give him a clear visual goal and tell us what he’s risking. Give us some stakes.
I really like the idea of him using his wrestling to help other inmates and give them a purpose (like Andy Dusfrene teaching and building a library) so maybe make the story about that and then the break into Act III is him being allowed on early parole. I would definitely watch this!
Have you seen The Wrestler? Or the TV show GLOW? The Wrestler brilliantly focuses on the nature of the sport as he is kinda institutionalised by his profession. The final act is heartbreaking! GLOW on the other hand is a slightly different take but shows how wrestling can work with an ensemble cast whilst still having a strong protagonist – S2 particularly is great at weaving in subplots about all the characters. I think that would work great with your story! I wanna see the prison guards and prisoners both participate in the wrestling!!! Loving this idea more and more!
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