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Sent directly to earth from the Creator, to raise up their Race of Beings who have fallen prey. Things get deadly.
This isn't a logline. This is more like a tagline. Check out the formula section?https://loglines.org/howto/What is the incident that sets the story in motion (inciting incident)? Who is the protagonist? Fallen prey to who? What's the goal? What are the stakes? How is this a drama? It sounds to me lRead more
This isn’t a logline. This is more like a tagline. Check out the formula section?https://loglines.org/howto/
What is the incident that sets the story in motion (inciting incident)? Who is the protagonist? Fallen prey to who? What’s the goal? What are the stakes? How is this a drama? It sounds to me like a fantasy film? Why do things get deadly?
Think visually and explain the story in one line. You’re not trying to make the story sound cool and mysterious, you’re trying to tell someone what’s going on so they understand exactly what your story is about. The reader should not have to try and figure things out on their own.
Also, make sure your punctuation/spelling/grammar is spot on. That can be the difference between someone choosing to read your screenplay or not.
See lessWhen the illegal distribution of Opioids claims the life of a high school athlete, a 3rd generation police officer leads an investigation and as the case breaks, the fallout hits close to home.
Obviously this comment isn't going to be much help this time around but I'd highly recommend writing the logline before writing the screenplay. Not only does the feedback you get from places such as this really help fine tune an idea but it also gives you something concrete to work from when you'reRead more
Obviously this comment isn’t going to be much help this time around but I’d highly recommend writing the logline before writing the screenplay. Not only does the feedback you get from places such as this really help fine tune an idea but it also gives you something concrete to work from when you’re writing the script. After the first screenplay I wrote I tried to come up with a logline and the comments I got from this website highlighted potential issues with my already written story. It’s much easier to get a solid logline first.
That being said, I don’t think this logline is that far away from something that could work. I’d maybe consider something more descriptive than ‘3rd generation’. Perhaps something that gives us a clue about his character flaws or strengths. Is he an ex-drug user, corrupt, narrow-minded, strong-willed, a loving family man? This gives the reader something to help visualise the character better.
Currently, it doesn’t seem like he has a goal. I imagine it’s to solve the case but ‘fallout hits close to home’ could suggest the goal is to not let this case affect his family life. The goal needs to be solidified with something we can visualise.
What does he stand to lose if he doesn’t either solve this case and/or the fallout affects those around him? Are more kids going to die? Make it primal.
Hope this helps.
See less(Having another stab at this one….)
I'm going to break this down in to the inciting incident, the characters, the goal and the stakes.Inciting incident / This needs to be something that relates to the plot somehow. Why was she arrested? In what way is she discriminated against? Whatever discrimination (gender, profession, addictions)Read more
I’m going to break this down in to the inciting incident, the characters, the goal and the stakes.
Inciting incident / This needs to be something that relates to the plot somehow. Why was she arrested? In what way is she discriminated against? Whatever discrimination (gender, profession, addictions) needs to feature in your screenplay otherwise what’s the point of mentioning it? Currently it feels like this is just a convenient way to get her into a cell. If you want the film to be about her spending 24 hours stuck with a parasitic anti-social why does she have to be arrested? Isn’t there a better way to get her alone with the anti-social. The police don’t seem to feature at all with the rest of the plot so, despite them appearing to be the antagonistic force in the inciting incident, they are then ignored.
The characters / I would limit the description of the protagonist to just the key details – 8 words is a lot. Is the fact she’s high-end and vivacious relevant? Does her substance abuse feature at all? Focus on the thing that’s most relevant to the plot. Why is the audience going to care if she’s let out? She’s an escort and a drug addict… some could argue that prison is the best place for her??The parasitic anti-social needs to have a purpose too – why is she provoking the protagonist? What does she stand to gain from it? You need to make it clear why the protagonist, and the audience, wouldn’t want to spend 24 hours with her.
The goal /?In order to gain her freedom she just has to endure a day in a cell with someone emotionally provoking her. Why was she arrested in the first place then? The goal needs to be something she has control over and, if she was arrested, her freedom is not something she can influence. Find a goal that is something she can actively seek. As mentioned by several people in your previous version – 2 hours of just watching two people in a room together is not particularly cinematic. Particularly when no one is acting out of choice merely circumstance.
The stakes / What happens if she doesn’t get her freedom? There’s currently nothing that she’s risking in this logline because all the action is completely out of her control.
Is there a reason why all of this HAS to happen in a prison? As I said in a comment on your previous version, by taking it out of the prison you give the protagonist control again. She can still be arrested, meet the parasitic anti-social but then be let out on bail only to find that her cellmate is stalking her. Your previous version suggested that the cellmate knew more about the protagonist than she should do assuming they’d just met. Is there a reason why this has been dropped? For me, that was the most interesting bit because I wanted to know more.
I would step back from this idea and think about what would look good on screen, what would make the audience root for the protagonist and why, what are the antagonistic forces she’s working against and why are they trying to stop her reaching her goal, and what does she stand to lose if she fails.
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