1. Posted: January 15, 2020In:

    Rosy is a 9 year old school girl with a sideline in selling slime to her classmates. When a magical ingredient gives her amazing powers, she sees a chance to inspire real change in the world. But not before she’s saved a young boy who’s lost all hope, a boy with destructive powers of his own.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    Yep... all makes sense. I have a few questions/comments: Why would environmental activists not just use the unicorn tears themselves and save the world? Surely, selling them on and making money off something with the power to "heal the world" is a little against what they believe in? Although I do gRead more

    Yep… all makes sense. I have a few questions/comments:

    • Why would environmental activists not just use the unicorn tears themselves and save the world? Surely, selling them on and making money off something with the power to “heal the world” is a little against what they believe in? Although I do get that the tears are projecting the goodness inside someone…are these guys actually not that good?
    • She’s 9 years old so she has to buy this product with her mum’s credit card right? Is her mum really ok with her purchasing an unknown substance marketed as “unicorn tears” from a random online shop?
    • Why don’t other people buy these tears if they’re so powerful?
    • Is there a finite amount of tears? Surely at some point she will run out and have no more powers but the boy can still use the mud-slime.
    • I’m concerned the message will be “sadness is something dirty and villainous”. ?The great thing about “Inside Out” is that it made the audience feel that sadness wasn’t something to be fought against and dismissed, that it was actually a powerful and valuable emotion that is too often neglected and hidden away. With mental health such an important subject in this day and age, I worry that your story would make kids feel like the villain if they were sad and that they were muddying the world around them by being sad. I would strongly advise reconsidering this. Is there a way that her “hope” and his ” sadness” can work together to try and defeat someone else but they’re too powerful so the kids have to get the community to rally together?
    • I’m also concerned that the other message is “you can’t heal the world without unicorn tears” i.e. it’s impossible. I want her to do good just by being herself. Maybe she gets the powers but the results never last because she realises that unicorn tears are nothing if the rest of mankind doesn’t look after it. This could somehow be tied into the neglect the boy suffers with. The message needs to be “you don’t need superpowers to change the world, you just need a voice”.

    It’s an interesting idea, definitely intrigued to see where it goes next. Stick with it – there’s an Inside Out meets Captain Planet thing going on here and I like it!

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  2. Posted: January 15, 2020In:

    Rosy is a 9 year old school girl with a sideline in selling slime to her classmates. When a magical ingredient gives her amazing powers, she sees a chance to inspire real change in the world. But not before she’s saved a young boy who’s lost all hope, a boy with destructive powers of his own.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    I think we need a little more information to help us understand the story. What amazing powers does her slime get from this magical ingredient? And how does that help change the world? What specifically is she changing? You've put this in the "superhero" genre... as it currently stands I don't reallRead more

    I think we need a little more information to help us understand the story. What amazing powers does her slime get from this magical ingredient? And how does that help change the world? What specifically is she changing?

    You’ve put this in the “superhero” genre… as it currently stands I don’t really understand why. My assumption would be that, as an entrepreneur, she will sell this magical ingredient so other people’s slime can also have amazing powers that can change the world. If we understand what powers the slime has, it might help solidify the genre.

    Before the boy loses all hope in what? Surely, changing the whole world is bigger than saving this one boy whose hope, I’m assuming, is tied to the fate of the world anyway. Save the world, save the boy. Or is this boy special?

    “confront” – confront him how? What is she trying to achieve. What’s she trying to stop him from destroying? How does this tie in to the slime etc. Is he like the supervillain?

    There’s something interesting here but the logline doesn’t really tell me enough to understand what it is.

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  3. Posted: January 15, 2020In:

    After his vengeful ex-partner in crime recruits his son for a dangerous heist, a reclusive fugitive must come out of hiding and take his place in order to save him.

    Best Answer
    Mike Pedley Singularity

    I think the story can be sustained by just padding out a little of the logline. Maybe the fugitive discovers that his ex-partner was using the son as a pawn to draw the fugitive out because he needs the best in the business? Or maybe he's drawing him out to get his revenge? I reckon if you added a rRead more

    I think the story can be sustained by just padding out a little of the logline. Maybe the fugitive discovers that his ex-partner was using the son as a pawn to draw the fugitive out because he needs the best in the business? Or maybe he’s drawing him out to get his revenge? I reckon if you added a really interesting MPR that gives us a clue to the real?motives of this ex-partner, you will easily sustain this idea.

    I would frame the inciting incident from the protagonist’s point of view. “When he discovers his vengeful ex-partner has recruited his son…”

     

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