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A couple with a criminal past, try to start again in a cop neighbourhood, but when children start going missing, they suspect their neighbour ? and set out to prove it.
So what are the couple going to do about it? They need a goal after they've discovered the truth about their neighbour. It's good that he's a cop - it somewhat limits the "why don't they just go to the police" argument. Is there such a thing as a "cop neighbourhood"? Do cops all live in the same plaRead more
So what are the couple going to do about it? They need a goal after they’ve discovered the truth about their neighbour. It’s good that he’s a cop – it somewhat limits the “why don’t they just go to the police” argument.
Is there such a thing as a “cop neighbourhood”? Do cops all live in the same place? Why not just a “safe neighbourhood”?
The inciting incident is the discovery about the neighbourhood so I would rewrite it focusing on this event and the goal it sets up.
See lessA cowardly parking office accidentally locks himself in the trunk of his car on his wedding day, but when the car is stolen with him in it, he must escape and get to the altar before the thieves realise he’s there.
"Officer" rather than "office" right? I love the start of this idea. I love the idea of a guy getting locked in the trunk of his car and the car is then stolen. BUT I think it would be better if he actually gets mixed up in whatever the thieves are up to. Once he's actually escaped the car there's nRead more
“Officer” rather than “office” right?
I love the start of this idea. I love the idea of a guy getting locked in the trunk of his car and the car is then stolen. BUT I think it would be better if he actually gets mixed up in whatever the thieves are up to. Once he’s actually escaped the car there’s no conflict (that I can see). There’s not a lot he can do in the trunk either so he needs to escape in order for his predicament to get worse then he needs to proactively do things to get out of these situations and ultimately get him to the alter.
Look forward to seeing where this goes.
See lessA family man teams up with a priest to stop the ghost of a murderer ? a man whose death he is responsible for, and who is bent on revenge.
I think the logline needs to make it more clear that the man is trying to stop the ghost from killing people. So this family man killed a guy? How come he's not in prison? Why does it have to be this guy who has to stop the ghost? I get there's a history but maybe it would work better if a few elemeRead more
I think the logline needs to make it more clear that the man is trying to stop the ghost from killing people.
So this family man killed a guy? How come he’s not in prison?
Why does it have to be this guy who has to stop the ghost? I get there’s a history but maybe it would work better if a few elements were clearer. Maybe this family man accidentally killed this murderer, and now the ghost is back and making it look like it was the family man who’s been doing the recent killings. It needs to be made personal so it can’t be anyone but him.
Why 15 years later? What’s the trigger? Even if it was “many years” I’d still be wondering why now.
What’s the protagonist’s flaw?
Why does the ghost have to be a murderer? Wouldn’t it be more interesting if it was an innocent? That’s a much more haunting past and one which he’d definitely like to keep under wraps.
Hope this helps in some way. Interested to see where it goes.
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