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After his father’s second marriage, a teenage boy learns to navigate his new life, only to discover his stepmom’s a narcissist..
Comedy might work well for this concept. Like DPG, I don't find the stepmum as a "...narcissist..." a big enough of a problem to be story worthy. Best you give her negative characteristics a practical implementation that impacts the MC's life in a significant way. What's the worst thing she did to hRead more
Comedy might work well for this concept.
Like DPG, I don’t find the stepmum as a “…narcissist…” a big enough of a problem to be story worthy. Best you give her negative characteristics a practical implementation that impacts the MC’s life in a significant way.
What’s the worst thing she did to him?
See lessWhen a Data Courier wakes up in a French hospital with no idea how he got there, he must finish his delivery that may prevent or start a war, only he can?t remember whose side he?s on.
From reading the logline (not considering other loglines you posted prior) it isn't made clear that the data transportation device is his head - most first time readers of your logline would assume you're referring to a HDD or memory stick of sorts. Making him the actual data storage device is coolRead more
From reading the logline (not considering other loglines you posted prior) it isn’t made clear that the data transportation device is his head – most first time readers of your logline would assume you’re referring to a HDD or memory stick of sorts. Making him the actual data storage device is cool but at the same time complicated.
If you want to keep the brain as storage device gimmick, it seems you have two options.
On the one hand, seeing as him carrying data and subsequently requiring a “brain format” after each delivery is crucial for the logic of the story, it might need to be mentioned in the logline. On the other, brain = HDD adds a large amount of information for one logline to hold and therefore may need to be omitted from the logline altogether.
If the former, you run the risk of detailing too much and losing the producer’s attention. If the later, you run the risk of creating confusion with the logic flaws in the concept.
Normally when a plot requires extensive explanations to be made immediately clear, it’s indicative of a fundamental problem with the story. I’m not sure whether or not that’s the case here, but it’s worth considering an alternative at this early stage of development.
What is this story really about? Is it about the cool brain = HDD gimmick? Or is it about a soldier struggling with the dilemma of who he can and who he can’t trust to save the world?
Pending the above question, I think you could rewrite the logline with more clarity.
See lessWhen a Data Courier wakes up in a French hospital with no idea how he got there, he must finish his delivery that may prevent or start a war, only he can?t remember whose side he?s on.
Agreed with the others. I'll add that it might make it more interesting if there was someone after him - could be a goody could be a bady he can't tell due to the memory loss. One logic flaw is that his amnesia is awfully selective - he just forgot which side he's on but nothing else... Would it notRead more
Agreed with the others. I’ll add that it might make it more interesting if there was someone after him – could be a goody could be a bady he can’t tell due to the memory loss.
One logic flaw is that his amnesia is awfully selective – he just forgot which side he’s on but nothing else…
See lessWould it not be better to make him forget everything? This way he has to piece together the fact that he holds the key to prevent the war this could add mystery and tension.