1. Posted: July 20, 2013In:

    In a post-apocalyptic future, when a reckless government agent learns that his long lost brother is a test subject in a brutal military experiment, he helps a terrorist cell fight through a dangerous wasteland to free a host of captured children.

    NEGenge

    All good points about the dystopian/apocalyptic/future. However, I wouldn't thing the current American public would be all that happy if their current government had spent a generation or two using children as lab rats either, so... At least I would hope not. Though, that being said, I don't think iRead more

    All good points about the dystopian/apocalyptic/future. However, I wouldn’t thing the current American public would be all that happy if their current government had spent a generation or two using children as lab rats either, so… At least I would hope not.

    Though, that being said, I don’t think it was ever said that it was an American agency, was it? Could be MI5 or Mossad or … big world out there, pre- or post-apocalyptic. 🙂

    Personally, I don’t think it’s that big a deal to have a few extra words, especially if it is a complicated situation.

    I suspect there’s probably a certain amount of not wanting to give away the twist at work here as well, and that the writer will be able to sort it all a bit more smoothly in a one-on-one pitch or query letter where that isn’t as much of a factor as it is in an open forum like this one.

    Get the age of the brother clear and the rest of the logline flows pretty well.

    Strong idea at the core.

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: July 20, 2013In:

    Two psychotic sisters, obsessed by jealously, plot to murder their new stepmother.

    NEGenge

    Hmmm. Reminds me of the Columbo episode where the twin psychotic sisters *did* murder their stepmother :) - but that is neither here nor there, stepmothers have always made good targets. This is an unusual logline in that it's almost too short! Don't see many of those! :) When you have a plot that iRead more

    Hmmm. Reminds me of the Columbo episode where the twin psychotic sisters *did* murder their stepmother 🙂 – but that is neither here nor there, stepmothers have always made good targets.

    This is an unusual logline in that it’s almost too short! Don’t see many of those! 🙂 When you have a plot that isn’t intrinsically unique, it’s nice to get a few details that make it different.

    Is this stepmother the “perfectly-nice stepmother” instead of the evil one?

    What exactly are they jealous about? Are they used to being the apples of Daddy’s eye?

    Other than psychotic, is there anything else special about them. Even their age might paint a picture for us. If they were six-years-old or forty-years-old, that would suggest widely-different things about their personalities.

    Are they going to make away with her simply, or is it a grand scheme? Or something really out there?

    Another thing that’s good to know from a logline, especially with a plot like this one, is whether you’re presenting a horror or a drama or a comedy? This can go in a lot of different directions.

    You don’t need ALL of that in there, of course. Just a little something-something to lift it off the page.

    Interesting idea!

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: July 20, 2013In:

    In a post-apocalyptic future, when a reckless government agent learns that his long lost brother is a test subject in a brutal military experiment, he helps a terrorist cell fight through a dangerous wasteland to free a host of captured children.

    NEGenge

    Ah, more info. :) I still think you can skip the whole dystopian intro. At this point, it really is a matter of striping out the unnecessary or redundant... Little things like "sworn enemy" is really just any enemy, no swearing involved. :) "locate and infiltrate" is another one. You can't infiltratRead more

    Ah, more info. 🙂

    I still think you can skip the whole dystopian intro. At this point, it really is a matter of striping out the unnecessary or redundant… Little things like “sworn enemy” is really just any enemy, no swearing involved. 🙂 “locate and infiltrate” is another one. You can’t infiltrate what you haven’t already found, so, “infiltrate” is fine.

    We do have to figure out who old this brother is though. “… his brother and other children” again makes it sound like the brother is a child, which doesn’t seem possible in the scenario described.

    What’s been mentioned about the inciting incident is important too. If his brother suddenly stumbled home, there would be no need to find him, so, how does he find out he’s alive? That’s the inciting incident.

    “When a government agent which proves his brother has been trapped in a brutal military experiment since his childhood disappearance, he switches sides to help a terror cell rescue him and the next host of captured children.”

    or, shorter:

    “When a government agent discovers his brother has been subjected to brutal military experiments since childhood, he switches sides to help a terrorist cell rescue him and the next host of captured children.”

    I’m not sure you need the specific what of how he discovers it – if you’re pitching live, that can come out in natural discussion, but, somehow, get across that the brother isn’t a child, and skin out the useless words, and you should be there.

    I think this one sounds like a promising script, best of luck at the ;fest!

    See less
    • 0