1. Posted: July 18, 2013In:

    Left on a mountain to die, a helpless baby survives a deadly Fog. Years later, while seeking a secret Key, Aidan Andrews Maximus maybe losing his soul.

    NEGenge

    I think you need to connect these events in some way? Maybe... "A.A. Maximus survived being abandoned on a hillside in a deadly fog, but now fears for his life again as, he tries to _____________ and avoid __________." Better yet if you can make a direct link between the earlier incident and the curRead more

    I think you need to connect these events in some way?

    Maybe…

    “A.A. Maximus survived being abandoned on a hillside in a deadly fog, but now fears for his life again as, he tries to _____________ and avoid __________.”

    Better yet if you can make a direct link between the earlier incident and the current one!

    A.A. Maximus is back on the mountain that almost killed him as a child, and he must once again __________ as he ________________ to avoid __________________.

    Surviving a deadly Fog as a child was mostly an accident – this time, A.A. Maximus must undercover its origin and do-something-heroic-here to locate the Key that will keep-something-really-horrible-here from happening.

    Hope that helps!

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  2. Posted: July 3, 2013In:

    A determined boy separated from his newfound sweetheart must cross the Bass Strait and come to the rescue before Tasmania is destroyed by rising sea levels.

    NEGenge

    Just one question... only been to Tasmania once, and I'm not geography expert, but, isn't Tasmania more... mountainous than the other side of the Strait? I don't actually remember if it was or not, but, something just made me stop and ask, "Wouldn't the other side already be under water before TasmaRead more

    Just one question… only been to Tasmania once, and I’m not geography expert, but, isn’t Tasmania more… mountainous than the other side of the Strait? I don’t actually remember if it was or not, but, something just made me stop and ask, “Wouldn’t the other side already be under water before Tasmania?” Like I said, I could have that totally backwards! 🙂

    Of the loglines above, I do like the specificity of the one including the “Bass Strait.” Lifts it a little above the generic, at least to me.

    And, no, I don’t think it matters if Tasmania isn’t about to be destroyed. Adds something if there’s a good reason to think it, but, if you make the case that he truly believes it, I think you’re good. Sometimes, it can add just as much for the audience to know something the protagonist doesn’t, so, some potential plus points there.

    Sounds an interesting storyline.

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  3. Posted: July 3, 2013In:

    Santa F

    NEGenge

    Does this work? "A retired luchador must elude American border patrols and crack a lethal human trafficking ring to recover his lost daughter." or, alternately, "A retired luchador must crack a lethal human trafficking ring and elude American border patrols to recover his lost daughter." Just dependRead more

    Does this work?

    “A retired luchador must elude American border patrols and crack a lethal human trafficking ring to recover his lost daughter.”

    or, alternately,

    “A retired luchador must crack a lethal human trafficking ring and elude American border patrols to recover his lost daughter.”

    Just depending on which threat is actually seen as more dangerous, and in what order things may happen.

    I must say, I really like this one.

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