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After winning a costly battle in an intergalactic war a newly promoted commander must lead a massive assault against an alien that is preying on the fleet?s ships one-by-one.
Do we need to know that the commander is newly promoted in the logline? Could we know something more relevant to the challenges he's going to face instead? I think what's not working for me is that the costly battle, in an intergalactic war, seems like a much more interesting and compelling storylinRead more
Do we need to know that the commander is newly promoted in the logline? Could we know something more relevant to the challenges he’s going to face instead?
I think what’s not working for me is that the costly battle, in an intergalactic war, seems like a much more interesting and compelling storyline than having to fight an alien … and so the set up dwarfs the plot. Maybe you can word it to tone down the galaxy altering implications of the set up?
Wording wise … should the assault be described as massive, or should the alien menace be described as massive? (Just from what previous versions of the logline say).
See less\\\"An 18 year old army recruit wakes up in modern time from a Vietnam era secret experiment set in Puerto Rico, that intended to train soldiers via Virtual Reality. He now suffers from distorted perception and PTSD, which introduces him in a quixotic journey trying to find reality and prove his experience, against US Army attempts to dissuade him.\\\"
I think timmyelliot is right, there is a bunch of tweaking that needs to happen here. Go back to basics, break it down to the elements: Who is your flawed protagonist? A disoriented soldier? What is the event? Waking up from a 30-odd year sleep? What is the goal? To expose the military's secret expeRead more
I think timmyelliot is right, there is a bunch of tweaking that needs to happen here.
Go back to basics, break it down to the elements:
Who is your flawed protagonist? A disoriented soldier?
What is the event? Waking up from a 30-odd year sleep?
What is the goal? To expose the military’s secret experiments on its own soldiers? (this goal isn’t particularly compelling to me. I think if perhaps he wanted to shut down the experiment, I get more of a sense of how exciting the story could be, but as it is my thoughts are … so what, he goes and has an interview with a journalist and then that’s the end of the story?)
Who is the antagonist – this story would probably work well if you had a specific character representing the military who wants to catch your protagonist.
What are the stakes of failure? The military will kill him?
So the story is:
“After waking up from a 30 year sleep, a disoriented private fights to expose his country’s secret experiments on their own soldiers against a maniacal general intent on silencing him for good.”
The fact that the guy has been asleep since the Vietnam war, and is still only 18, is confusing and maybe best left for the actual script.
See lessI think the PTSD and distorted perception are certainly obstacles for him to overcome, but don’t really factor into the overarching goal.
When a talented college football kicker goes undrafted, he falls into the world he has been trying so hard to get away from, the mob.
Nice set up, nice title. But what is the protagonists goal once he is in the mob-life, what are the stakes of failure, and is "talented" the best flaw that could describe this character? Over zealous, perhaps? Egomaniacal?
Nice set up, nice title. But what is the protagonists goal once he is in the mob-life, what are the stakes of failure, and is “talented” the best flaw that could describe this character? Over zealous, perhaps? Egomaniacal?
See less