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An obese kid who suffers from junk food addiction is put on a healthy diet. As he struggles through withdrawl, he starts to hallucinate that his happy meal toys collection is coming to life, and he embarks in an adventure to save the loved one of Grimex, the most popular of his toys, from his neighbor, a bully kid who works as a delivery boy.
Hey mate - first off, this logline is too wordy. You need to trim it down. Secondly, and more worryingly, it's hard to sympathize with your protagonist. I think the general consensus among most audiences is that childhood obesity is a pretty bad thing. The stakes for a child hallucinating and goingRead more
Hey mate – first off, this logline is too wordy. You need to trim it down.
Secondly, and more worryingly, it’s hard to sympathize with your protagonist. I think the general consensus among most audiences is that childhood obesity is a pretty bad thing. The stakes for a child hallucinating and going about his day under delusional influence are so much higher than whether or not he can rescue his toys that I don’t think an audience could settle into the adventure you’re suggesting presenting to us.
How can I focus on the rescue of a toy, when I know that your protagonist’s mental state is seriously compromised because of a very real epidemic facing children all over the western world, and that what he is seeing is not real, and therefore he could be putting himself in VERY REAL danger?
I actually don’t know what I’d tinker with you make this story work, but I think you have a problem with your setup being way more serious than the tone and stakes of the rest of your logline suggests.
See lessAs a ranking officer battles to keep himself and his comrades alive and sane in the final months of the great war, a chance encounter with his lost love finally brings the truth of why she disappeared with their baby girl a decade ago and inspires him to try and rekindle the life together that was so prematurely taken from them.
I agree with Tor's suggestions for streamlining the idea down to it's most basic components. I feel like I want some more specificity in the logline. A chance encounter as your inciting incident, and the goal being to rekindle their romance, both feel too vague. What are the circumstances of the encRead more
I agree with Tor’s suggestions for streamlining the idea down to it’s most basic components.
I feel like I want some more specificity in the logline. A chance encounter as your inciting incident, and the goal being to rekindle their romance, both feel too vague. What are the circumstances of the encounter? What specifically is the protagonist trying to do to re-build their life together?
With that in mind, I’m not clear how the fact that it’s all happening during a war factors into it? What country is he fighting with? Is he stationed in the same city as where he used to live? Or is his lost sweetheart now somewhere where he could bump into her? I’m too confused at this stage to say I think the logline is working as tight as can be.
See lessLogline: From the depths of a life filled with torturing abuse and slavery; this 90 lb. frightened human being goes on in life to conquer United States Marine Corps bootcamp. This is a story of perseverance and courage and is based on my true story. "Forrest Gump" meets "G.I. Jane". Writer: Floyd Kelly Genre: Drama
I'm going to overlook the fact that this is "based on a true story" - as it gets difficult for outsiders to grapple with what you eventually decide will and will not be important for your story, and instead I'll try and look at this as a story like any other. What I like about the logline above is tRead more
I’m going to overlook the fact that this is “based on a true story” – as it gets difficult for outsiders to grapple with what you eventually decide will and will not be important for your story, and instead I’ll try and look at this as a story like any other.
What I like about the logline above is the very clear goal for your protagonist: GET THROUGH BOOT CAMP. It’s not over-reaching, it’s not unobtainable, but it is something that given the right level of stakes, could be a real triumphant moment.
I think this particular logline gives us way too much information. Every man and his dog will tell you a different way to write a logline on this site, but I think the simplest way really is: “When (the inciting incident) happens, a (flawed protagonist) must (achieve this goal) before (the stakes of failure occur).”
So, looking at the above; I don’t know much about your main character. Is his greatest flaw going to be his timidity? Does he need to overcome his fear? What else can you tell us about the character?
What specifically sets the story in motion? What is the event which makes your protagonist declare: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I’m going to join the army!
And finally … what does it mean if they don’t make it through boot camp? Is the army an escape from a soul-crushing fate?
I think the toughest part; the hook, for me is there. It’s a simple story about the triumph of the human spirit told on a small scale. It’d probably get my money at the box office.
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