1. Posted: November 19, 2024In:

    A washed up journalist desperate to rekindle his career, forced to take an anniversary piece in a sleepy town must hack through deadly social terrain when he discovers the town harbors dark secrets they want, and anyone who tries to expose them, buried.

    Best Answer
    Nick12 Penpusher

    Great premise, although from the way it’s worded, it reads more like a horror film in my opinion. That being said, I made a couple of tweaks just to help make it a bit more concise. Feel free to use what you like and discard what you don’t 🙂 A washed up journalist takes on an anniversary piece onlyRead more

    Great premise, although from the way it’s worded, it reads more like a horror film in my opinion.

    That being said, I made a couple of tweaks just to help make it a bit more concise. Feel free to use what you like and discard what you don’t 🙂

    A washed up journalist takes on an anniversary piece only to discover that it harbors dark secrets in a town where anyone who digs too deep meets a sinister end.

    This keeps the essence of what you were trying to say while also improving the clarity a bit. For me personally, I also try to keep loglines at 30 words or less.

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  2. Posted: October 9, 2024In:

    When a young video store clerk receives a proposition to make a snuff movie from a mysterious man, he decides to convince his friend to kidnap a girl and make the movie.

    Nick12 Penpusher

    It’s definitely got potential, but here is a more concise version that I think captures the essence in fewer words: After a video store clerk receives a mysterious proposition to make a snuff movie, he convinces his friend to kidnap a girl in order to make it... I put the ellipses at the end becauseRead more

    It’s definitely got potential, but here is a more concise version that I think captures the essence in fewer words:

    After a video store clerk receives a mysterious proposition to make a snuff movie, he convinces his friend to kidnap a girl in order to make it…

    I put the ellipses at the end because I think something could be added that maybe focuses in on the moral dilemma or the stakes a bit more.

    For example, you could say something like “After a young video store clerk receives a mysterious proposition to make a snuff movie, he convinces his friend to kidnap a girl in order to make it, but things take an unexpected turn when they realize she’s a serial killer.”

    That’s not perfect either as you ideally want to aim for a logline that’s 30 words or less, but hopefully that will get you on the right track! 🙂

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  3. Posted: October 19, 2023In:

    The night before her on call shift, Sarah, a nurse working a second job, finds herself in the midst of late night deliveries. As she tries to walk her way back home, after the last delivery of the night, her night leads her all the way to work.

    Nick12 Penpusher

    I want to actually encourage you! I feel like you might be on to something, but I think right now you have what is the seed of an idea. To me, the logline reads something like “After a mysterious late-night accident, a nurse wakes up in the hospital…” and then you fill in the rest. It sounds like frRead more

    I want to actually encourage you! I feel like you might be on to something, but I think right now you have what is the seed of an idea.

    To me, the logline reads something like “After a mysterious late-night accident, a nurse wakes up in the hospital…” and then you fill in the rest. It sounds like from what you’ve written so far (because keep in mind that I haven’t read your script) that the inciting incident or call to adventure, is this accident. In other words, that’s the event that sets the rest of her story in motion. But now you have to figure out what the actual story is.

    As far as that goes, Richiev and Vexmeister gave some really good feedback as far as what you need to explore to really flesh out your story.

    What does she want and who or what is standing in her way of getting it? And then just when you think she’s about to reach her goal…BOOM, another obstacle gets introduced that she has to overcome.

    It’s a good idea also to explore what is at stake? What does she have to gain if she achieves her goal or what are the consequences of failure? Make them big – so much so that failure is not an option for her.

    Also, here’s some questions to get your mind racing with ideas: is this a movie like the Bourne Identity where Sarah has amnesia and she has no idea where she is? Is this like a horror film where she’s taken to a hospital where the staff conduct experiments on the patients? Does she have to care for a patient but suddenly forgets to do her job and can’t let the other staff find out because she doesn’t want to risk being fired because she needs the money (hence the second job), and you know, maybe she’s had a drug addiction problem that the staff is aware of and so she was already on thin ice?

    These are just some random questions that hopefully will help prompt your imagination. (You don’t have to use them if you don’t want to, but hopefully it will get you on the right track.)

    I hope that helps! 🙂

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