1. Posted: December 10, 2024In:

    A disgraced veteran ex-firefighter attempts to redeem his honor by volunteering to lead a team of greenhorns to combat a forest fire of epic proportions that no amount experience and training could prepare them for the dangers they’re about to face.

    Nick12 Penpusher

    You’re on the right track! A couple of things jumped out at me initially: Since you already have “ex-firefighter” in the logline, you don’t need “veteran” since previous experience is already implied. You could condense what you have into something like “A disgraced ex-firefighter seeks redemption bRead more

    You’re on the right track! A couple of things jumped out at me initially:

    Since you already have “ex-firefighter” in the logline, you don’t need “veteran” since previous experience is already implied.

    You could condense what you have into something like “A disgraced ex-firefighter seeks redemption by leading a team of green horns against a blaze that goes beyond anything they have ever faced.” However, I think I have a better suggestion:

    Instead of trying to condense “to combat a forest fire of epic proportions that no amount of experience and training could prepare them for the dangers that they’re about to face” (which to be honest seems like an overused phrase), instead try to focus in on what makes this forest fire unique or different, and therefore, more dangerous, than the other forest fires out there.

    For instance, you mentioned that he tries to redeem himself as a volunteer firefighter, so maybe explore what happened to the crew of active duty firefighters that led to them calling in volunteers to heighten the danger and make the stakes more specific. Obviously large forest fires will often warrant them calling in volunteers just to help contain it in general. However, maybe there’s a more specific reason that you can give it.

    You mentioned how this is a team of green horns so maybe they don’t yet understand fire safety. Maybe they are just local townsfolk themselves, but when the active duty crew are missing in action, it’s up to them to finish the job.

    I hope that helps! 🙂

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  2. Posted: November 19, 2024In:

    A washed up journalist desperate to rekindle his career, forced to take an anniversary piece in a sleepy town must hack through deadly social terrain when he discovers the town harbors dark secrets they want, and anyone who tries to expose them, buried.

    Best Answer
    Nick12 Penpusher

    Great premise, although from the way it’s worded, it reads more like a horror film in my opinion. That being said, I made a couple of tweaks just to help make it a bit more concise. Feel free to use what you like and discard what you don’t 🙂 A washed up journalist takes on an anniversary piece onlyRead more

    Great premise, although from the way it’s worded, it reads more like a horror film in my opinion.

    That being said, I made a couple of tweaks just to help make it a bit more concise. Feel free to use what you like and discard what you don’t 🙂

    A washed up journalist takes on an anniversary piece only to discover that it harbors dark secrets in a town where anyone who digs too deep meets a sinister end.

    This keeps the essence of what you were trying to say while also improving the clarity a bit. For me personally, I also try to keep loglines at 30 words or less.

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  3. Posted: October 9, 2024In:

    When a young video store clerk receives a proposition to make a snuff movie from a mysterious man, he decides to convince his friend to kidnap a girl and make the movie.

    Nick12 Penpusher

    It’s definitely got potential, but here is a more concise version that I think captures the essence in fewer words: After a video store clerk receives a mysterious proposition to make a snuff movie, he convinces his friend to kidnap a girl in order to make it... I put the ellipses at the end becauseRead more

    It’s definitely got potential, but here is a more concise version that I think captures the essence in fewer words:

    After a video store clerk receives a mysterious proposition to make a snuff movie, he convinces his friend to kidnap a girl in order to make it…

    I put the ellipses at the end because I think something could be added that maybe focuses in on the moral dilemma or the stakes a bit more.

    For example, you could say something like “After a young video store clerk receives a mysterious proposition to make a snuff movie, he convinces his friend to kidnap a girl in order to make it, but things take an unexpected turn when they realize she’s a serial killer.”

    That’s not perfect either as you ideally want to aim for a logline that’s 30 words or less, but hopefully that will get you on the right track! 🙂

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