1. Posted: July 17, 2013In:

    A corporate executive is forced to choose between taking his dream job overseas with his new girlfriend or staying to try and repair his relationship with his estranged brooding teenage daughter when she announce she’s pregnant.

    nickt

    I like the ingredients. It's not the stuff of blockbusters, but can be executed to succeed as a Comedy. My main issue with it is that it reads as if the hero will deliberate on this decision for the entire film. If it plays out like that, he's not in action, he's in deliberation, and risks frustratiRead more

    I like the ingredients. It’s not the stuff of blockbusters, but can be executed to succeed as a Comedy.

    My main issue with it is that it reads as if the hero will deliberate on this decision for the entire film. If it plays out like that, he’s not in action, he’s in deliberation, and risks frustrating the audience.

    The option is to be clear on his decision early in the story, to take a leap at the climax of Act I – eg. turn his back on the dream job and try to support his estranged daughter, to redeem himself – and from Act II we see him fail and succeed at this.

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  2. Posted: May 25, 2013In:

    1999. Reception lounges are dying. After six years banishment, a CBD event manager reluctantly returns to work in The Palace, his old man?s Greek reception lounge in the suburbs, on their biggest wedding ever, and he will save his family from financial ruin and shame? If his father will just let him.

    nickt

    Updated: A playboy event manager must swallow a six year feud with his father and work alongside him in the old man?s outdated Greek reception lounge, on their biggest wedding ever, to save his family from financial ruin and shame? If his father will let him. Any further comment is much appreciated!

    Updated:

    A playboy event manager must swallow a six year feud with his father and work alongside him in the old man?s outdated Greek reception lounge, on their biggest wedding ever, to save his family from financial ruin and shame? If his father will let him.

    Any further comment is much appreciated!

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  3. Posted: April 19, 2012In:

    In the final days of WWII, when a B-29 carrying the 3rd atomic bomb to be dropped on Japan crash lands on a small enemy held island the pilot, Capt. Mark Younger is captured and imprisoned in a POW camp where he must choose between helping the POWs escape, and doing his duty to stop the enemy at all costs from hijacking the atomic bomb, even if it means detonating it manually.

    nickt

    I'm familiar with your story. Seeing it here, I am reminded of the strength of your premise. Your film promises to tell a fresh chapter in a popular story - the legend of WWII. In genre, it promises a War Action Thriller. I keep hearing how the audience currently spending the most at the cinemas areRead more

    I’m familiar with your story. Seeing it here, I am reminded of the strength of your premise. Your film promises to tell a fresh chapter in a popular story – the legend of WWII. In genre, it promises a War Action Thriller. I keep hearing how the audience currently spending the most at the cinemas are the seniors. And like Saving Private Ryan and War Horse, you have their attention. In character, sounds like there is one hero who has a lot to judge and accomplish, with huge stakes. So these are all big ticks.

    To help improve your logline:
    – using two sentences is fine. Your first can be as brief as ‘Final days of WWII.’ This will help to simplify that second longer one.
    – no need to mention the pilots name. That too is using up real estate
    – the key to simplifying the structure of your second sentence is when to use ‘when’. You use it straight away, but you can try ‘The B29 carrying the third atomic bomb to be dropped on Japan crash lands on an enemy island, and when the pilot is captured…’ etc

    Thank you for sharing!

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