1. Posted: June 9, 2013In:

    A young man is forced from his conservative Mormon upbringing, into the pits of the United Mexican States, where he discovers his gift under the guidance of Santa Muerte – search, stalk, and execute.

    nickt

    Your gift for evocative words comes through, especially with your fabrications eg 'United Mexican States'. Also, many loglines are void of a sense of location context, so you have an advantage there. 'young man' - try more specific and evocative description of this character, which ideally reflectsRead more

    Your gift for evocative words comes through, especially with your fabrications eg ‘United Mexican States’. Also, many loglines are void of a sense of location context, so you have an advantage there.

    ‘young man’ – try more specific and evocative description of this character, which ideally reflects what kind of executioner he will become

    It would also be a big plus if you can sneak in the force of antagonism. Who will he be stalking and executing? Civilians? Criminals?…

    Thank you for sharing

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  2. Posted: May 28, 2013In:

    When a meticulous hitman is hired to kill a prominent mobster, he unwittingly becomes a tool in a complex scheme of revenge by a woman he regards as nothing more than a one night stand.

    nickt

    I like it!... Wait... On first read, I assume it's the hitman who has the one night stand... Then she entangles him in a scheme to kill the mobster. Our guy is the professional hitman who never takes any chances, and the one time he lets go and allows this woman into his world for a night... Snap. SRead more

    I like it!… Wait…

    On first read, I assume it’s the hitman who has the one night stand… Then she entangles him in a scheme to kill the mobster. Our guy is the professional hitman who never takes any chances, and the one time he lets go and allows this woman into his world for a night… Snap. She’s a black widow and he’s caught in her web. This film promises crime, bad guys upholding their reputations, sex, revenge and death. Potent ingredients for a Crime Thriller.

    On second read I wonder if you mean it’s the mobster who has the one night stand… Upsets the girl… She hires the hitman to kill the mobster. If so, revise the wording to make it clearer.

    Thanks for sharing!

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  3. Posted: May 25, 2013In:

    Afraid of what the acrid city air might be doing to their unborn child, a man and his young wife retreat to the countryside to spend a weekend on a camping break. Faced with the unbearable beauty of what the city had left of the countryside while mourning the loss of his own innocence, the man crumbles under the pressures of his impending fatherhood and submits to a violent, emotional regression in the hopes of appealing to the maternity of nature.

    nickt

    I have mixed feelings about this. I like the soul of your film... But you have articulated the intellectual and emotional journey of the protagonist. What the action will be, - beyond travel into the forest, hang out, delve into violence - is unclear. 'submits... in the hopes of appealing to the matRead more

    I have mixed feelings about this. I like the soul of your film…

    But you have articulated the intellectual and emotional journey of the protagonist. What the action will be, – beyond travel into the forest, hang out, delve into violence – is unclear.

    ‘submits… in the hopes of appealing to the maternity of nature’ is too metaphysical for the logline, its meaning is unclear, and what it looks and sounds like on screen is unclear.

    A weekend camp break to me appears perhaps too short a period for such an extreme turn around to occur.

    This is a great idea to explore whose POV will provide the more engaging story: telling it from the husband’s POV, or his wife’s.

    Thanks for sharing your work!

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