1. Posted: April 12, 2012In:

    While investigating a backload of unsolved murders, a dispirited detective learns that the local P.T.A. is more involved in ?community service? than originally thought.

    sharkeatingman

    Thanks for the nice, constructive feedback! Regarding the inciting incident; the detective will determine a slight overlay of coincidences in a couple of the old cases, specifically linking back to a battered women?s shelter. His dispiritedness arises from the death of his daughter at the hands of aRead more

    Thanks for the nice, constructive feedback!

    Regarding the inciting incident; the detective will determine a slight overlay of coincidences in a couple of the old cases, specifically linking back to a battered women?s shelter.

    His dispiritedness arises from the death of his daughter at the hands of an ex-boyfriend, and he turns to the bottle. He is relegated to community service? work- doing cop talks at community patrol meetings, neighborhood watches, and PTA?s, while volunteering his time at the women?s shelter. In addition, because he is such a mess, he is prevented from working active cases, and is assigned cold-case? work. This is how it all comes together.

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  2. Posted: April 12, 2012In:

    While investigating a backload of unsolved murders, a dispirited detective learns that the local P.T.A. is more involved in ?community service? than originally thought.

    sharkeatingman

    Thanks for the nice, constructive feedback! Regarding the inciting incident; the detective will determine a slight overlay of coincidences in a couple of the old cases, specifically linking back to a battered women's shelter. His dispiritedness arises from the death of his daughter at the hands of aRead more

    Thanks for the nice, constructive feedback!

    Regarding the inciting incident; the detective will determine a slight overlay of coincidences in a couple of the old cases, specifically linking back to a battered women’s shelter.

    His dispiritedness arises from the death of his daughter at the hands of an ex-boyfriend, and he turns to the bottle. He is relegated to “community service” work- doing cop talks at community patrol meetings, neighborhood watches, and PTA’s, while volunteering his time at the women’s shelter. In addition, because he is such a mess, he is prevented from working active cases, and is assigned “cold-case” work. This is how it all comes together.

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  3. Posted: April 12, 2012In:

    During a rich Horror Writer's night away of drinking with two friends, each tells a story which is played out, while his greedy wife defectively conjures a demon to murder him. Meanwhile, two demon hunting steampunk women are on the demon's trail.

    sharkeatingman

    Whenever the word "meanwhile" pops up in a logline, you KNOW there's too much happening. It needs to be trimmed some, I believe. Execessive and non-essentials include: rich, "away of drinking with two friends, each tells a story which is played out", "defectively" (is that the right word?), and muchRead more

    Whenever the word “meanwhile” pops up in a logline, you KNOW there’s too much happening. It needs to be trimmed some, I believe. Execessive and non-essentials include: rich, “away of drinking with two friends, each tells a story which is played out”, “defectively” (is that the right word?), and much of the last sentence.

    “During a horror writer’s party night, his greedy wife conjures up a demon to murder him.”

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