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A drunken night leaves a young man to decipher his feelings for his best friend before their time together runs out.
Most loglines hint at what the inciting incident is and who the enemy is, but this doesn't seem to have that. Unless time is their enemy, but I'm wondering why their time together is running out? Is the best friend going away? Dying? I think that would help. Is there a better descriptor besides younRead more
Most loglines hint at what the inciting incident is and who the enemy is, but this doesn’t seem to have that. Unless time is their enemy, but I’m wondering why their time together is running out? Is the best friend going away? Dying? I think that would help.
See lessIs there a better descriptor besides young man? And for that matter best friend? Is there a sense of irony? Is he wild and she’s tame or vice versa?
It sounds like a fun romance, but besides working out their feelings, is there something else they do on this night? Are they going to White Castle? Kidding, but really, it would help to hint what makes this different from other “it happened one night” stories. And you have room for more detail as this is a very sparse logline.
I hope my comments help.
When a car breaks down in the middle of the outback, a paranoid snitch finds himself trapped with his fellow thieves, and he must investigate them to survive.
Hmm. It's kind of not clear enough for me. It sounds very tense and like a good contained thriller. But why does he have to investigate them to survive? I'm wondering if informant or undercover informant is what he really is? If he's a snitch, did he already snitch or is he planning to snitch? I likRead more
Hmm. It’s kind of not clear enough for me. It sounds very tense and like a good contained thriller. But why does he have to investigate them to survive? I’m wondering if informant or undercover informant is what he really is? If he’s a snitch, did he already snitch or is he planning to snitch? I like it, it just leaves me a little confused and wanting a bit more information.
See lessA band in the 1980’s struggles to keep their friendship intact and meet the demands of the job as their bassist slowly succumbs to addiction, they must find a way to help their friend or risk losing him and their careers.
The first thing is it's a run-on sentence. The comma after addiction should be a period or it should be reworked. I think it sounds like a good story, though. Also, it's not clear who the main character is. Even if it's an ensemble, there is always a main character who the audience experiences the sRead more
The first thing is it’s a run-on sentence. The comma after addiction should be a period or it should be reworked. I think it sounds like a good story, though.
Also, it’s not clear who the main character is. Even if it’s an ensemble, there is always a main character who the audience experiences the story with, usually the one who has the most change to undergo and/or the one who drives the action the most. In “That thing you do” it’s the drummer even though everyone has an arc. So I would worry seeing this logline that the script may not feature a good solid main character with a clear goal.
And even if they can’t save their friend from addiction, can’t they just get another bassist? That points to the stakes. The risk of losing their friend to addiction is I think more compelling than the risk to their band or career.
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