1. Posted: February 2, 2017In:

    After her employers die in a city wide pandemic an Upper West Side nanny must navigate the violent streets to save their young son and put him on the last boat to safety.

    Best Answer
    SouthWestSusie Logliner

    Hi hannibalchew, Thanks for sharing your logline. I'm not seeing the significance of her employers dying. Does that mean the company she was working for ?is out of business because of a flu virus (or something). How does that event cause her to have to go find her son. Where is he? Pandemic is a sprRead more

    Hi hannibalchew,

    Thanks for sharing your logline.

    I’m not seeing the significance of her employers dying. Does that mean the company she was working for ?is out of business because of a flu virus (or something). How does that event cause her to have to go find her son. Where is he? Pandemic is a spread of disease but it wouldn’t happen in a flash. If NY was hit by an atomic bomb or something then she might have to leave her place of employment to ?run to get him at the daycare center. I only give that example to show how the action needs to provoke the response. The pieces you have here don’t quite connect.

    Good luck with this.

    Cheers, SouthWestSusie 🙂

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  2. Posted: February 2, 2017In:

    When a DiD sufferer takes an experimental drug for his condition, his alternate personality, who perceives reality differently, begins to takeover and goes on a quest to free humanity from hidden beings controlling reality while his alternate persona believes he’s actually on a murderous rampage.

    Best Answer
    SouthWestSusie Logliner

    Hi Knightrider, This sounds like a man in conflict with himself and asks the question: to what length would a man go to stop himself from ?being a mass murderer. Could get pretty ugly! So far so good. I don't know if DiD is easily, quickly understood. I had to look it up, but that may be me. Even ifRead more

    Hi Knightrider,

    This sounds like a man in conflict with himself and asks the question: to what length would a man go to stop himself from ?being a mass murderer. Could get pretty ugly! So far so good.

    I don’t know if DiD is easily, quickly understood. I had to look it up, but that may be me. Even if you spell out the name for the whole thing, there’s the issue of people not being up on the new name (no longer Multiple Personality Disorder). But again, that’s me.

    More importantly, what is the actual trigger that gets the one personality to suspect the other? ?Does he know he has two personalities, or more?

    So something along this line is an event that kicks him into …. some action
    When a man who knows he has an alternate personality discovers a ?dead body under his bed, he …

    but what is the action?

    “takeout ghosts he sees controlling reality”…
    that gets a bit fuzzy…
    he’s going to fight these ghosts, somehow, and this will do what? Put him at peace with his alternate self? Stop the alternate self from killing?

    A minor note: “who’s” should be “whose”

    Good luck with the dramatic logline.

    Cheers, SouthWestSusie 🙂

     

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  3. Posted: January 23, 2017In:

    An aging war criminal seeks his redemption by helping a group of troubled misfits whilst trying to survive brutal persecution from someone he wronged in the past.

    SouthWestSusie Logliner

    Hi Nbz, Thanks for sharing your story logline. The main character is clear in a general sense. He's an aging war criminal. Maybe you want to get more specific as to what war. Is he a Nazi? or some other war? Is the inciting event that someone that he tortured in the past has suddenly found where heRead more

    Hi Nbz,

    Thanks for sharing your story logline. The main character is clear in a general sense. He’s an aging war criminal. Maybe you want to get more specific as to what war. Is he a Nazi? or some other war? Is the inciting event that someone that he tortured in the past has suddenly found where he is hiding out? Where is he hiding out? Argentina? Arizona?

    Good luck with the revision.

    Cheers,

    SouthWestSusie

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