1. Posted: February 21, 2013In:

    A, no bullshit, hotshot archeologist comes face to face with a coldblooded tomb raider in a struggle to claim discovery of a lost Egyptian city of immeasurable wealth.

    Spritewise

    Is laying claim to the discovery really the conflict here? Sounds to me like the "tomb raider" wouldn't care if he was credited with the discovery -- only that he got his hands on the wealth. The archaeologist, on the other hand, would be desperate to keep the raider from destroying or stealing anyRead more

    Is laying claim to the discovery really the conflict here? Sounds to me like the “tomb raider” wouldn’t care if he was credited with the discovery — only that he got his hands on the wealth. The archaeologist, on the other hand, would be desperate to keep the raider from destroying or stealing any priceless antiques (unless he’s in it for the money as well).

    I also think that you should choose between “hotshot” and “no bullshit”, since otherwise it’s a bit awkward at the start.

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  2. Posted: February 22, 2013In:

    The night New York City loses containment on the Zombie outbreak, the rookie member of a Covert Zombie Suppression Team must escort the plague's original carrier to a secure location for testing.

    Spritewise

    I understand the plot, but not the conflict. What happens if he fails? Why is the job being handed to him, instead of a more seasoned professional? You do a good job establishing the setting, and I can already see the potential for lots of great action as your MC fights to control his zombified charRead more

    I understand the plot, but not the conflict. What happens if he fails? Why is the job being handed to him, instead of a more seasoned professional?

    You do a good job establishing the setting, and I can already see the potential for lots of great action as your MC fights to control his zombified charge through a minefield of the undead. Good luck with this!

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  3. Posted: February 22, 2013In:

    In a post-apocalyptic wasteland, a rogue munitions runner teams up with a failed government experiment and a resistance fighter to find his lost brother and help them end a brutal research project that experiments on children.

    Spritewise

    All the pieces are there, but it could still use a rewrite for clarity. The only clear part about a "rogue munitions runner" is the rogue part, I'm afraid. Are there any other words you can use to describe his job? Smuggler? Bomb expert? You can take out the words "help them", since it is implied whRead more

    All the pieces are there, but it could still use a rewrite for clarity.

    The only clear part about a “rogue munitions runner” is the rogue part, I’m afraid. Are there any other words you can use to describe his job? Smuggler? Bomb expert?

    You can take out the words “help them”, since it is implied when you say he teamed up with them.

    Other than that, the protag’s goal is clear, but I feel it could be emphasized more. Perhaps you could start with that conflict (“When his brother goes missing . . .”) in order to separate the two goals a little.

    Great initial concept — good luck!

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