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  1. Posted: August 22, 2020In: Television

    After a near-death experience awakens a hopeless woman’s power to see peoples karmic past, she realizes their fates are intertwined and in order to release everyone from impending life destroying behaviors she must overcome her own insecurities while battling her abusive and manipulative mother.

    thedarkhorse Samurai
    Added an answer on August 23, 2020 at 1:29 am

    Hi Kimberly, I'll give this a go. After a near-death experience awakens a hopeless woman’s power to see peoples karmic past, she realizes their fates are intertwined and in order to release everyone from impending life destroying behaviors she must overcome her own insecurities while battling her abRead more

    Hi Kimberly,

    I’ll give this a go.

    After a near-death experience awakens a hopeless woman’s power to see peoples karmic past, she realizes their fates are intertwined and in order to release everyone from impending life destroying behaviors she must overcome her own insecurities while battling her abusive and manipulative mother.

    — Got quite a mouthful here. Lets chop it down a bit.

    Intention: must release everyone from impending life destroying behaviors – the more active goal.
    must overcome her own insecurities – the subjective/emotional goal. I think we need to go with the more active goal in this logline.
    Obstacle: abusive mother?

    I don’t quite understand her goal of “release everyone from impending life destroying behaviours”? I think we need to be clearer. Oh – and to keep it simple too.

    Attempt 1:

    After a near-death experience leaves her with the ability to look into people’s pasts,
    a woman must help (several victims of a traumatic incident? a group of people with a shared trauma? survivors of a traumatic incident? I dunno. When you mentioned impending life destroying behaviours – I immediately thought alcoholic or drug addicts and then I figured PTSD. Perhaps they’re all dealing with the aftermath of some traumatic past incident.)
    or else. (??? what happens if she doesn’t do this? what are the stakes? what happens if decides to walk away?)

    Notes:
    I think you need to keep it on one track. Things like her own insecurities and the mother don’t really belong in the logline. Perhaps in the overall plot but not the logline.

    I hope some of this helps.

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  2. Posted: August 22, 2020In: Television

    After cyborgs invades their town, a group of sons and daughters of cyborg hunters must stop them once and for all.

    thedarkhorse Samurai
    Added an answer on August 23, 2020 at 1:12 am

    Hi IvyEight6, I'll give this a go. INTENTION: must stop cyborgs. OBSTACLE: cyborgs. STAKES: the world? Your logline is fine - but I think you just need to push on things and be specific. Oh and "once and for all" is unnecessary. It's ornamental that you don't really need. When cyborgs kill their cybRead more

    Hi IvyEight6,

    I’ll give this a go.

    INTENTION: must stop cyborgs.
    OBSTACLE: cyborgs.
    STAKES: the world?

    Your logline is fine – but I think you just need to push on things and be specific. Oh and “once and for all” is unnecessary. It’s ornamental that you don’t really need.

    When cyborgs kill their cyborg hunter parents, a motley group of kids must stop them before (they invade the town? destroy the world? multiply?)

    Things I did –
    – I figured we should start with a real specific tragedy/trauma. By finding out cyborg hunters are gone – we know we’re in trouble.
    – I used the word “motley” to perhaps suggest they are at odds with each other. I imagine there’s a better word though. It’s more conflict too.
    – My last note would be that it needs a hook to stand out more. Something that really makes it stand out.

    My one is by no means great but I hope it helps get the ball rolling.

    Good luck!

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  3. Posted: August 21, 2020In: Coming of Age

    To win the affections of the dean’s daughter, a bad boy rich kid has until graduation to get accepted into a snooty club, in order to prove his worth.

    thedarkhorse Samurai
    Replied to answer on August 22, 2020 at 5:08 am

    New logline: To win the affections of the dean’s daughter, a bad boy rich kid has until graduation to get accepted into a snooty club, in order to prove his worth. We're dropping political agendas/zeitgeist politics in this one. Just imagine a silly college comedy. Nice and light. A simple boy likesRead more

    New logline:

    To win the affections of the dean’s daughter, a bad boy rich kid has until graduation to get accepted into a snooty club, in order to prove his worth.

    We’re dropping political agendas/zeitgeist politics in this one. Just imagine a silly college comedy. Nice and light.

    A simple boy likes girl story.

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