1. Posted: March 20, 2020In:

    After a great war in Averia, a former female assassin seeking redemption is taken under the wing by a noble family, where she must learn to navigate high society while keeping her real identity a secret from the people that hunt her.

    thedarkhorse Samurai

    INTENTION: a new life. (But why? Why a new life? What's she running away?)OBSTACLE: old foes. (Old foes? Old agents? I feel this needs work too. How can we make it really bad for her?)A female assassin sets out to start again and marries into a noble family, but has trouble keeping her past life a sRead more

    INTENTION: a new life. (But why? Why a new life? What’s she running away?)

    OBSTACLE: old foes. (Old foes? Old agents? I feel this needs work too. How can we make it really bad for her?)

    A female assassin sets out to start again and marries into a noble family, but has trouble keeping her past life a secret when her old foes set out to find her.

    Yqwertz is right. We need a stronger inciting incident. I think we need to be more specific with everything. Why start again? Why marry into a noble family? Who is after her?

    Here’s another quick shot at it…

    After the love of her life is killed during a mission, an assassin sets out to start again and falls in love with a new man – only for her old foes to track her down.

    Second one is probably better. Could replace “sets out to start again” with something else. Something quicker.

    My examples are still quite muddled, but hopefully they’ll help you get the ball rolling.

    Good luck!

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  2. Posted: March 20, 2020In:

    A disruptive and mute 8-year-old must battle his abusive stepfather who is persuaded to kill him by the ghost of his recently deceased son.

    thedarkhorse Samurai

    Warned by a ghost that his stepfather is a murderer, a mute boy sets out to prove it. or Warned by the ghost of his stepfather's son that his stepfather is a murderer, a mute boy sets out to prove it.    

    Warned by a ghost that his stepfather is a murderer, a mute boy sets out to prove it.

    or

    Warned by the ghost of his stepfather’s son that his stepfather is a murderer, a mute boy sets out to prove it.

     

     

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  3. Posted: March 20, 2020In:

    Faith and basketball inspire an abandoned boy to set three improbable goals both on and off the hardwood with surprising results.

    thedarkhorse Samurai

    Hi Carllord - INTENTION: three improbable goals -- but why? what are the goals? OBSTACLE: they are improbable goals. We need something stronger here. This is a quick shot at it using the original logline: After a near-death experience, a boy with dreams of basketball stardom, sets out to accomplishRead more

    Hi Carllord –

    INTENTION: three improbable goals — but why? what are the goals?

    OBSTACLE: they are improbable goals. We need something stronger here.

    This is a quick shot at it using the original logline:

    After a near-death experience, a boy with dreams of basketball stardom, sets out to accomplish three impossible goals.

    Hmm – we’re basically missing a really strong obstacle standing in his way.

    And an inciting incident (I used a near-death experience to inspire his faith.)

    We really need to know the goals.

    Admittedly, we probably don’t need “a boy with dreams of basketball stardom”. Aspiring basketball player would probably suffice.

    DPG is right. We don’t need “with surprising results”. The reader will fill it in.

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