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A dynamic young woman (witness and rescuer) and a reporter of the National Geographic (safe passenger) meet on the scene of a train crash. Over the course of seven days, while the disaster consequences fade and despite the increasing hostility of her father, they grow closer up to a bond; then a lasting union while her father will be won over under pressure from her maid and confidante.
I feel for you. A very challenging game we play...;) -- especially given English may not be your first language.... The fact that people are offering their critiques means there's something there... I think, anyway. Even though it can drive you crazy, it forces you too look at the most important parRead more
I feel for you. A very challenging game we play…;) — especially given English may not be your first language….
The fact that people are offering their critiques means there’s something there… I think, anyway. Even though it can drive you crazy, it forces you too look at the most important part of the film, and answers the question — why should this film exist?
As dpg originally posted, this sound’s like a romance where the Father stands in the way of the lovers. For this to work — and just in my opinion, the young woman would have to be on the younger side, and or, come from a culture where her Father could stand in the way of the courtship, and or, is set in a period where domineering Father’s get a say in their daughter’s boyfriends… I don’t know, I could be wrong. But regardless, taking that the Father stands in the way of the relationship, who do we have come to the rescue? The young woman’s maid. SHE seems to be the proactive character here… She somehow convinces the Father to let his daughter see/ marry/ ra-ra-ra/ snog/ ra-ra-ra the National Geographic Journo. I don’t know if you have completed this screenplay or not, but if you haven’t maybe have a play with making the maid the protagonist…? Again, I don’t mean to mess with your film, but it feels like she (the maid) comes out of nowhere… what is HER motivation to see the two lovers together? And what does she set about to do to convince/ sway the Father? I think if you answer these questions this will take you closer to the spine of your story… and for me, even though you’ve got a killer inciting incident with the train wreck, it’s all about the maid…
Anyway — good luck. I do like the sound of a budding relationship from a train wreck (especially if one or both lovers have come from/ are in train wrecks of relationships…;) )
And for what it’s worth, I think loglines are always better when around the 20 – 30 word count. Maybe have a look on the web for some loglines of famous films, especially ones in the genre you are writing in. This site also has ‘Classic’s’ section — find the ones that you like and count the words…
Thanks for the $10, it’ll be money well spent… and the jealous pet thing… might be something in that..;)
Best of luck.
See lessA mother's confession tells a young man that he has an older brother, but this older brother is in a gang; the young man must find a way into his brother's heart while breaking the hold the gang has over the older brother.
Hi Forrest Rawls, I like the sound of this -- it has a 'Blood in, Blood out/ American History X' vibe to it. I'm definitely intrigued. The only issue I have with it (apart from being about twelve words too long...), is the hero's goal '...find a way into his brother's heart'... I can't put my fingerRead more
Hi Forrest Rawls,
I like the sound of this — it has a ‘Blood in, Blood out/ American History X’ vibe to it. I’m definitely intrigued.
The only issue I have with it (apart from being about twelve words too long…), is the hero’s goal ‘…find a way into his brother’s heart’… I can’t put my finger on it, but it feels vague… certainly not terrible though.
The following is only an attempt at dropping your word count, which at the moment sits at 43:
‘When a young man discovers his long lost older brother is entrenched in a violent gang he must find a way to extricate him or lose his brother?s love forever.’
Anyway — best of luck with this!
See lessThe streets made him, the Army changed him, and life forced him back into a world he left behind and taught him how to let go of the past.
Cool as a tagline on a poster... Not cool as a logline. The logline should essentially tells us exactly what this film is about. WHO is this guy, and WHAT does he HAVE to do? Anyway -- good luck.
Cool as a tagline on a poster… Not cool as a logline. The logline should essentially tells us exactly what this film is about. WHO is this guy, and WHAT does he HAVE to do?
Anyway — good luck.
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