Hi Michael,

My advice would be to condense this into one sentence — for a couple of reasons:

1. Some people suggest you can GET AWAY with two sentences — but — being able to concisely state your story in one sentence indicates to the reader of the logline that you have skill as a writer and most probably have a well constructed story… Just peruse some of the loglines on this site and you will quickly see that the one sentence loglines tend to stand out like a gleaming ray of sunshine in an otherwise desolate post apocalyptic landscape. Each to their own in that regard I guess, but why take the risk?

2. With the current two sentence structure the hero’s motivation gets lost, and I think nicholasandrewhalls hit the nail on the head, in that, it is unclear if he goes after the drug story (and in turn his brother..) because he is seeking approval from his (Tyrannical/ Stern/ Disapproving…???) father. At the moment it reads as though he goes after the story just because he is conceited… Not a very sympathetic character… My suggestion here, and not to mess with the plot, just the logline, would be something like this:

‘To gain his disparaging Father’s approval, a young conceited journalist must pursue a story that would implicate his brother in a drug scandal at the local football club’

And lastly — I can understand when strangers start messing with a story you’ve probably spent months (if not years…) working on it can drive you crazy– but we’re mainly fellow screenwriters here, and our imaginations tend to run wild… maybe a prerequisite of the job… 😉

Good Luck.