1. Posted: October 29, 2012In:

    After years of incestual ritualistic abuse, the daughter of one occult patriarch finds herself a well designed pawn in her brilliant fathers? sadistic pursuit of power; using her skills of intertwining seduction and fatal persuasion, she leaves a violent past and exacts her final act of retribution.

    Wilde_at_heart

    Hi, for me the word 'incest' just has that yuck factor and I suspect I'm not alone in that regard. Maybe The daughter of an religious cult's patriarch uses seduction to foil his climb to power and exact her revenge. Still not the best, I admit but I think it needs to be a lot simpler...

    Hi, for me the word ‘incest’ just has that yuck factor and I suspect I’m not alone in that regard. Maybe The daughter of an religious cult’s patriarch uses seduction to foil his climb to power and exact her revenge. Still not the best, I admit but I think it needs to be a lot simpler…

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: October 29, 2012In:

    When an honest policeman's family is kidnapped by a sadistic crime lord, he must murder the chief of police, his father in law, to save his family from being killed

    Wilde_at_heart

    I'd leave out honest, since I'd assume as much unless I was told otherwise. I'd also leave out 'from being killed' since that is often implied in a hostage situation. And I'd leave out sadistic and change it with the type of crime Lord he is - such as Russian money-launderer, Mexican Drug Kingpin, eRead more

    I’d leave out honest, since I’d assume as much unless I was told otherwise. I’d also leave out ‘from being killed’ since that is often implied in a hostage situation. And I’d leave out sadistic and change it with the type of crime Lord he is – such as Russian money-launderer, Mexican Drug Kingpin, etc.
    Finally, I personally think it needs to be more clear why he needs to kill the Police Chief (who is also his father in law?). It seems to me that the police chief is involved in the kidnapping but really, would the guy threaten his own daughter?

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: October 24, 2012In:

    A dreaded gangster falls in love with a girl whom he has been sent to kill.

    Wilde_at_heart

    I'd leave out dreaded and replace it with 'assassin' to begin with. Second, a detail about what makes this girl special - what is it about her that would both compel someone to fall in love with her, or why is she a target to begin with? Or what sort of gang is he in? We'd need for instance to knowRead more

    I’d leave out dreaded and replace it with ‘assassin’ to begin with. Second, a detail about what makes this girl special – what is it about her that would both compel someone to fall in love with her, or why is she a target to begin with? Or what sort of gang is he in? We’d need for instance to know whether this is a drug Lord targetting say another drug lord’s daughter, or a key eyewitness, or something that makes her and the would-be assassin stand out.

    See less
    • 0