The Man Next Door- Reloaded
A young man that is unhappy from his desk job being a pushover and not taking seriously comes home frustrated to the point he decides to kill his young neighbor, however she gets free due to his ignorance of killing someone.
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Interesting idea. I wonder if this is more of a description of the inciting incident rather than a logline. Is your screenplay about the botched murder or what happens after the woman escapes? If I had more information, I would be able to share more ideas.
You went to far the other direction with this.
The first attempt you just gave us the set up
This attempt you gave us the ending.
Don’t give the ending in a logline.
Still love the idea, keep it up
You could shorten the beginning of your logine by saying “Young Milquetoast” which means someone who is a pushover and doesn’t get respect.
The thing is I didn’t know how to much to say. I was trying to explain the conflict instead of giving up the ending. When you say the other direction what do you mean?
Might be my mistake, when you say in the logline she gets free, that sounds like the end of the movie.
I see, so how does ” A young milquetoast unhappy with his life decides to a life of a friendly neighbor.”
“Tired of being a door mat, a neighborly milquetoast kidnaps a young girl and tortures her in his basement but his plans go awry she begins fighting back.”
“Tired of being a doormat, a neighborly milquetoast kidnaps a young girl and tortures her in his basement but his plans go awry when her determined boyfriend begins sniffing around.”
Loglines are tricky, you want to tell people the main conflict but not how the conflict ends.
So in your story you have to ask, what is standing in his way and then put that in the logline?