WHEN A YOUNG SKATER IS THREATENED WITH EVICTION, HE TURNS TO HIS RAG TAG GROUP OF FRIENDS TO HELP HIM PULL OFF A YUPPIE HEIST TO END THEM ALL. (CA$H)
NAO.MIPenpusher
WHEN A YOUNG SKATER IS THREATENED WITH EVICTION, HE TURNS TO HIS RAG TAG GROUP OF FRIENDS TO HELP HIM PULL OFF A YUPPIE HEIST TO END THEM ALL. (CA$H)
Share
I suggest you to change “young” with a more specific adjective to give the reader some information about the character, maybe his flaw.
The use of the expression “to end them all” is not clear to me. Then, maybe, you can expand a little bit?the “yuppie heist”and give some detail about what kind of heist it is.
I think by “to end them all” he means “the heists to end all heists”– the biggest one of all.? Unfortunately, that’s a?vague dramatic promise for a logline.???it needs to be more specific?. ?What is the heist??? What exactly do they plan to do?? Show me the money!???What makes this one so awesome? — and risky — that I just gotta read the script to find out how they pull it off?
As mentioned “…to end all heists…” is a generic description that lacks detail and therefor works against the logline.
No need for all caps either by the way.
The main character being threatened with eviction is a bit of a trope and not high stakes enough. Many characters in films to date have been evicted (not just threatened) and have lost much more before being motivated to take action. Is there a more significant event you could devise to motivate the MC into doing something?
I agree with Nir, as a skater myself, having skated for over 10 years, I can tell you that eviction isn’t a big event for this demographic. I know some skaters that live off various friends couches on a kind of rotating roster. I also don’t know any skaters that would plan a heist, especially if it was just to prevent them from being evicted.
Also, skateboarding in films works best if you cast real non-actor skaters. Look at KIDS and THE SMELL OF US by Larry Clark, that’s what he did, and it works well. This minimizes the cringe factor, and the cliches. Skater’s will actually mock the film if they are portrayed unrealistically.
“When his mother is threatened with eviction by a greedy banker, a streetwise skater and misfits friends plot to take the bank down and save his childhood home.”