Penpusher
Posted: 2016-08-03T12:12:02+10:00 In:

A reluctant Witch rescues a repentant Witch hunter to save her family and investigate a conspiracy that could destroy Elizabethan England.

A reluctant Witch rescues a repentant Witch hunter to save her family and investigate a conspiracy that could destroy Elizabethan England.
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    8 Reviews

    1. Penpusher

      FYI: It’s for a period-drama/crime/mystery/suspense TV series.

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    2. Uberwriter

      Sorry I can’t see the story. How is England destroyed by a conspiracy and is that related to her family. Is saving the hunter the story or an event in the story?

      Perhaps

      A Witch must team with a Witch hunter to end a conspiracy saving her family and England.

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    3. Aah none of these things are linked! The witch is reluctant — to do what? Why is the witch hunter regretfull and why does the witch save him? And why would that lead to her saving her family? And what conspiracy and what does the conspiracy have to do with these two and how could it destroy England (you can leave the Elizabethan part out we get it)?

      All ll of these questions have to be answered in this logline because so far you have two characters and a random series of events that we no nothing about.

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    4. Singularity

      As the others have said. ? It ‘s confusing to me as to what the setup is in the pilot. ?For example: ?”Repentant witch hunter” ?– repentant ?for what? “To save her family” — whose family, the witch’s or the hunter’s?

      And it’s not clear to me what exactly is the plot dynamic that can be sustained for the length of a series. ?What is the specific threat? ? An internal conspiracy to overthrow Queen Elizabeth that would plunge the country, once again, into civil war? ?An external conspiracy by Spain to not only topple the Queen but restore the primacy of Catholicism? ?Or…?

      I’m an aficionado of historical drama, but the reign of Elizabeth Regina has already done in film and as a mini-series. ?So what’s the hook, the novel plot line in this series?

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    5. Uberwriter

      New version is much better. You could reverse the goals, conspiracy then family perhaps. So the goals seem to be better in a stakes POV.

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    6. Singularity

      I think the subject matter is interesting and holds the potential for a large audience appeal. Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell worked well, albeit not the same period, but similar subject matter.
      The aspect of her reluctance is a good character flaw – she learns to accept her true nature contrary to the common christen beliefs of the time.

      However I don’t believe that the logline is working well, not yet anyhow, and the main reason is the lack of clarity in the stakes. Why not be more specific, and say that the conspiracy is specifically against the royal family? ?I think you could take it one step further and make the witch her self a royal, only her lineage was kept under wraps once they discovered that it had Wicca genes in it.

      This way you can elude to the fact that she is not only fighting to save the Royal family for the greater sake of the kingdom, but also tie in personal stakes – she’s fighting to save her own family.

      Witches have traditionally been seen as evil, but that’s mostly a christian belief and you could paint them as people who really only want?to do good. However the narrow minded folk of the time, and the church which sees Witches as threats have branded them evil, therefore after the witch hunter learns the truth he decides to help her out.

      Lastly I suggest adding in a narrative that deals with war, the spanish wars were a big thing during that?time. This can provide even great stakes as in order to win the war against Spain the MC must save the royal family or even help the english navy win a few battles.

      Much of the above will come through in the synopsis as appose to the logline, as series are best pitched with the pilot.
      Here is my attempt:
      After a witch hunter kills her mother a witch, in denial of her powers, must prove to?him that she?isn’t evil if she is to save the rest of her kin – the royal family of England.

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    7. Singularity

      I agree with much of what Nir Shelter has said. ?A interest-catching logline needs to layout the stakes. ?And the stakes would have to be really big to sustain a series. ?And the two biggest stakes of the time period ?would be the fate of the Queen Elizabeth and the Protestant versus Catholic rivalry for religious supremacy.

      But from earlier posts, I gather that the die is cast in terms of the script. ?So rather than try to rework the setup, based upon what I can surmise, here is my go at what seems to already have been written:

      A witch reluctant to use her powers teams up with a witch hunter with a conscience to save her family?from persecution only to stumble upon a conspiracy to overthrow Queen Elizabeth.
      (32 words)

      Or is it the case that the witch hunter is a coward, hasn’t got the guts to follow through with his religious conviction that witches should be burned at the stake? ?In which case the logline might be something like:

      A timid witch teams up with a reluctant witch hunter to save her family from persecution only to stumble upon a conspiracy to overthrow Queen Elizabeth.
      (25 words)

      Whatever, the story seems to team up an odd couple?who start out to solve one dramatic problem only to discover “a mountain behind the mountain”, a greater dramatic problem with greater stakes that render her own problem petty and insignificant in comparison.

      And I’m guessing the pilot ends on the cliffhanger beat of the discovery to hook viewers into coming back to find out what happens next.

      I like the odd couple match up. ?I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship — with lots of conflict. ?Good luck with the project.

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    8. Singularity

      As DPG pointed out, I did take liberties with the narrative – it’s safe to assume the bulk of the series has been structured, but it can’t hurt to give a few fresh ideas.

      That said, the main concern I have with the logline is the lake of clear and immediate personal stakes and causality between the events.
      I’m sure that much?work?has been done, but it’s not coming through in the logline.
      Without further detail regarding the plot, it’s hard to know exactly what the inciting incident is and how it and the stakes are causally linked to her family, the royal family and the security of the kingdom at large.

      Even in series with a seasonal long narrative, which is what this is sounding like, the strength of the first episode is what counts most for selling and attracting audiences. The quality of the primary motivating event, in the first ep, will have a significant impact on how compelling the series will be as a whole. For example in Breaking Bad, if Walter White wasn’t diagnosed with cancer his character would not have been as endearing nor would his action be as compelling. ?Same with our witch here – if her motivation, as established in the first episode, isn’t powerful enough to motivate her to do the voodoo that she do so well (pun intended?), then the resulting narrative in the rest of the season runs the risk of being weak.

      Therefore it may be better to think of the logline as a description of episode one instead?of a whole season – what was the event that initially motivated the witch to team up with a witch hunter?

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