The Dusa
A young man unaccustomed to night life falls for a girl at a nightclub where the more he goes the more dangerous the club appears; he struggles to free her and himself from the addiction of the club.
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since no one is commenting maybe I should change this logline.
A young man unaccustomed to night life falls for an energetic girl at an exclusive nightclub but he soon discovers the club is a front for drug trafficking and the girl is addicted to self-destruction.
“A young man unaccustomed to night life falls for an energetic girl at an exclusive nightclub but he soon discovers the club is a front for drug trafficking and the girl is addicted to self-destruction.”
The phrase ‘unaccustomed to night life’ is unfortunate. What does it mean? Is he shy? Is he conservative?
I assume it is a love story and the chemistry is the inciting incident. But why does it matter to our hero that the club is a front? How does it affect his (potential) relationship with the girl? If he’s not a cop, what are the stakes for him?
“The girl is addicted to self-destruction” is another contentious line: if this is the case, the audience may not care about the relationship. Why should he be with her in the first place? Make sure we WANT this relationship to happen or the love story has not stakes (either). It is also rather vague: is she an alcoholic? Drug addict? How does she self-destruct?
Finally: what is our hero going to do about it?
A logline is all about promising the audience (the reader) a meaty second act. Here I have no idea what that is going to be about. Is he going to pull her out of this club? Is he going to expose the traffickers? And why?
As far as the girl goes she is an addict. Drugs and alcohol but she is also addicted to the club and can’t stop going. The inciting incident is the guy seeing her for the first time in passing and deciding he will keep going to the club until he meets her. When he does he discovers she is unlike anybody else he has ever met personality wise with her free spirit way of living so he becomes obsessed with getting to know her.
The only time he sees her is at the club so that makes him want to go but he is also learning to live outside his routine of being at home all the time and the club is one crazy event after another every night.
Hows this?
A lonely young man who never goes out is persuaded by a friend to have the time of his life at an exclusive club, he meets a quirky girl there and becomes obsessed with her but she is addicted to the club. He learns the club may be a front for drug trafficking and the only way to free her is to bring it down.
Thanks for the input. I am obviously new to writing loglines. and any suggestions are appreciated. I would love to see this script I have made into something and if making a solid logline will get it read then I will do my damnedest to make one.