When the livestock of a small farming community comes under attack from a mysterious predator the sheriff gathers a coalition of the willing to venture into the woods to find and kill the animal.
However as they trek further and further into the woods, they are killed off one by one and the sheriff, realizing one of them is the monster in disguise, must solve the mystery of who?s the killer. *This one feels messier then the previous one but how do I accentuate the details whilst still keeping it brief?
NbzLogliner
When the livestock of a small farming community comes under attack from a mysterious predator the sheriff gathers a coalition of the willing to venture into the woods to find and kill the animal. However as they trek further and further into the woods, they are killed off one by one and the sheriff, realizing one of them is the monster in disguise, must solve the mystery of who?s the killer. *This one feels messier then the previous one but how do I accentuate the details whilst still keeping it brief?
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>>realizing one of them is the monster in disguise, must solve the mystery of who?s the killer. *
I suggest dropping it from the logline. ?It’s a spoiler something a logline should never have.
What’s the hook of your story? ?Well, for me it would be a hunting party whose members mysteriously get killed off one by one — in the same grotesque manner as were the livestock. ?Your previous version didn’t make that point, that ?the humans are being killed off — mutilated — just like the livestock. ?But that is part of the story, isn’t it? ?And if it isn’t, shouldn’t it be? And ?if is, shouldn’t it be featured in the logline?
fwiw
When the livestock of a small farming community comes under attack from a mysterious predator the sheriff gathers a coalition of the willing to venture into the woods to find and kill the animal. However as they trek further and further into the woods, they are killed off one by one in the same grotesque manner as were the livestock and the sheriff start to suspect that someone in his posse isn’t what they claim to be.
You’ve added more detail that shouldn’t be added, didn’t add detail that should, and at 77 words the logline is too long – brevity helps the reader understand your concept.
In short, and seeing as it wasn’t explained well enough, loglines are made up of clear details of the major plot points of the story. The farming community being small is irrelevant, who gathers the hunting party is irrelevant, it being a coalition of willing is irrelevant, where they will venture off to catch the beast is irrelevant, them trecking further and further into the woods is irrelevant.
The main character is relevant, you NEED one main character for the story to be focused on. I get that you have a story in mind about a few people hunting, but to make this work you need one dramatic point of view for the story to be told from.
Who is the main character in the group? Is it one of the farmers that lost animals, or better yet one of his or her children, to the beast? Is it the sheriff? Is it the leader of the hunting party?
Second is the inciting incident, what spurs the main character on to take action? In other words, what is the powerful motivating out of the ordinary event that makes the main character have to achieve a goal?
Segue in to…
The goal! Yes, it’s pretty obvious that the goal is to catch the beast, but you need to specify what this means – kill it, prevent other people or animals from being mutilated, banish it to hell. Whatever it is, specifically, that the main character intends to do must be described.
From the many iterations you’ve posted already, I have pieced together enough information to provide you with an example:
After his son is killed by a livestock mutilating beast, a farmer leads a hunting party to kill it and prevent more tragedies.
23 words.
Here is another example of the same concept that includes a form of twist:
After her son is killed by a beast, a farmer leads a hunting party after it, but they are attacked and realize the beast is a shapeshifter amongst them.
29 words.
I have to admit this is not the easiest one to write a logline for, because there are two inciting incidents, the livestock mutilations/killings which set the hunters after the beast, and when the hunters begin to be killed one by one. Here is another attempt:
———————————————–
“When a group of hunters are killed off one by one while tracking a beast that’s mutilated their livestock, a grizzled sheriff must discover who, or what the beast is now that they have become it’s prey.”
Possible title: The Beast Within