Penpusher
Posted: 2013-07-03T22:07:33+10:00 In:

In order to settle a large debt, an exiled hit man agrees to a dangerous but lucrative assassination in Vegas, where nothing goes to plan after he realizes he’s been conned by his estranged brother-in-law.

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    9 Reviews

    1. Now you just have to include what it is exactly he’s going to do about his brother-in-law.

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    2. Thanks. How about:

      When a heavily indebted hit man is conned by his estranged brother-in-law he is forced to take on the Vegas underworld in order to kill an elusive drug lord know as ?The Kid?

      The main goal is to kill The Kid so this might be more suited?

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    3. Singularity

      Don’t think you need “known as ‘The Kid'”

      Isn’t the con a discovery, not the inciting incident?

      Who’s the antagonist, the brother-in-law or the drug lord?

      What are the ultimate stakes? Just paying off the debt with the hit job. Or paying with his life if he refuses — or fails?

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    4. I like it. I am curious, who is the antagonist in the first sample? the estranged brother-in-law?

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    5. When a heavily indebted hit man is conned by his estranged brother-in-law he is forced to take on his former mentor and the Vegas underworld in order to kill an elusive drug lord?

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    6. Singularity

      Why about the possibility of brother instead of brother-in-law? My reason being the stronger the bond, the greater the betrayal, and consequently, the greater the dramatic tension when the hit man discovers he’s been conned (by the one person he thought he could trust).

      And how is he “forced”? IOW: what is ultimately at stake that compels him to turn on his mentor? Seems to me, it’s got to be more than just the money.

      Whatever, I can see how the premise would put the hit man not only in jeopardy but in the horns of an interesting moral dilemma.

      Best wishes with the premise.

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    7. Singularity

      Correction: That’s “What about the possibility” rather than “Why about the possibility”. (Doh!)

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    8. Logliner

      “With a large debt on his head, an(something)assassin agrees to lucrative hit in Vegas. Things fall apart when he discovers that the mark is his estranged brother”

      Probably not your story, but you get the idea. Best of luck!

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    9. Thanks everyone

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