Three genetically engineered soldiers must face discrimination as they struggle to find the kidnapped members of their squad.

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5 reviews

Agreed with all the above comments.

I'll add that you'd be better served if the logline would start with a clear description of the inciting incident as the base for the dramatic need. For example:
After a member of their squadron was kidnapped, three genetically engineered soldiers must find their missing brother if they are to save his life.

It still isn't clear what their actions are going to be, must they find the fourth soldier behind enemy lines? Or in secret government labs?

The hook of the logline is that the soldiers are genetically engineered. ?The headline for the story is not that they face discrimination (that's a complication, a sidebar issue) but the struggle to find their kidnapped DNA-tweaked comrades.

So build the logline on the hook and on the headline. ?Save the sidebar issue for the script proper.

Whose is the antagonist, the bad guy (or gal) responsible for the kidnapping? ?What are the stakes? ?What is lost or suffered if they fail? ?Is there a ticking clock?

Finally the logline might benefit by focusing on the leader of the trio, the alpha character; frame the logline in terms of the protagonist.

The hook of the logline is that the soldiers are genetically engineered. ?The headline for the story is not that they face discrimination (that's a complication, a sidebar issue) but the struggle to find their kidnapped DNA-tweaked comrades.

So build the logline on the hook and on the headline. ?Save the sidebar issue for the script proper.

Whose is the antagonist, the bad guy (or gal) responsible for the kidnapping? ?What are the stakes? ?What is lost or suffered if they fail? ?Is there a ticking clock?

Finally the logline might benefit by focusing on the leader of the trio, the alpha character; frame the logline in terms of the protagonist.

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