After witnessing his grandfather’s murder, a New Mexico high school senior has a nervous breakdown and travels to Taos to remake his life – assuming false personas that are inspired by magazines he collects – while being pursued by his grandfather’s killer, who he discovers is one of his best friends.
Roberto AltoLogliner
After witnessing his grandfather’s murder, a New Mexico high school senior has a nervous breakdown and travels to Taos to remake his life – assuming false personas that are inspired by magazines he collects – while being pursued by his grandfather’s killer, who he discovers is one of his best friends.
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Roberto,
Way too long and only is a setup.
Your MC witnesses a murder. If I’m gonna root for this person, shouldn’t what he knows be dealt with right then and there?
Lose the whole magazine collecting. I don’t care about that in a logline.
If he is remaking his life, why would the killer care to follow him then?
Best friend? Don’t give that away in the log.
After the death of his only remaining family; his grandfather, a young man leaves his life behind only to find…
I was working on a variation of the movie Nurse Betty: “After witnessing the murder of her deadbeat husband, a Kansas housewife has a nervous breakdown and travels to Los Angeles in order to find the “love of her life” ?- ?a fake doctor from her beloved soap opera – while being pursued by her husband’s killers.” My story has some overlaps, but it’s an entirely different set-up. I agree, I won’d reveal that it’s the best friend in the end. In my scenario, the killer is looking for him because he believes he (the running away grandson) was an accomplice.
Nurse Betty has a goal, she wanted to find Greg Kinnear. It’s a crazy goal but a goal none the less.
You logline is missing the goal for your character, things happen to the lead but the lead isn’t proactive in your logline.
What is the lead characters goal?
Too wordy and unclear.
Focus on the goal and action. To that matter, what specifically is his goal?
If the inciting incident, or his motivating event, is the killing, shouldn’t his goal be to kill the bad guy or have him incarcerated?? Running away, fake identites, new life, etc… pales in comparison.
>>>a variation on the movie Nurse Betty
The movie “Nurse Betty” is about delusions and how people follow them with tragic-comedy consequences. ?The inciting incident in that movie is designed to set up the plot to play out her foolish obsession with a soap star that tips over to a full-blown delusion.
What is your movie about thematically? ?What’s your point in sending him to Taos, instead of say ?Gallup or Roswell or Clovis? ?
For better or worse, what — better yet, who — exactly does your character hope to find in Taos that he?won’t find anywhere else? ?Exactly how does he want to do a makeover of his life? ?Does he want to become an artist? ?A musician? ?A Zen Buddhist? ?Why Taos?
Too long. It must be short, clear and intriguing.