We all want to be different, which makes us all the same.
LucyintheskyPenpusher
Due to IVF and genetic changes humanity only exist in the future as twins or multiple births. A self-proclaimed leader decides that the natural balance has to be restored by what he calls natural selection. The tormented genius ?Daggy? Pollux fights against the execution of his love interest who’s been selected as the weaker one.
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You have a great “What If” but from there it gets a bit clunky.
He may call it Natural Selection, but that doesn’t help a reader as it seems this character has created something that we don’t know is it a hunger games type event?
Also don’t need to add character names.
Also ‘Natural Balance’ seems odd as he’d want a cure to the problem and if people have triplets or more only killing one leaves still 2/3+ more kids. So doesn’t make sense.
I guess twins and triplets might increase population, but maybe it wouldn’t as you’d stop the first set of kids.
Like I say, I like the what if, but feel need to explore the story more to mine the gold from within. Hope that helps
Thanks for your comments, very usefull!
I wanted it to call ?survival of the fittest? but that would make people think of the hunger games.
So I used the words ?Natural balance?
But is makes you think the same.
And It is definitly not at all the same kind a story.
I?m Dutch, so I?m a bit struggling with the right words.
But I definitely understand what you are telling me.
I will work on that!
>>but that would make people think of the hunger games.
What distinguishes this from the “Hunger Games”.? What is the m.o. by which losers are chosen to die?
>>his love interest who?s been selected as the weaker one.
This seems to deflect the real central conflict of the story:? twins forced to compete against each other. Katniss Everdeen is another character’s love interest.? But that is a complication, not the central conflict that drives the story.
What is the central conflict that drives your story?
Very usefull, working on a new logline!
What hooks my interest is the story is the concept that identical twins are forced to fight to the death.?This already happens in a nature with other species, btw.? ?For example, shark embryos cannibalize other embryos in utero.? So there’s the analogue and justification by adult powers-that-be for setting twin brothers and sisters against each other.
It’s another version of the rite of passage trope; in this case for the right to live.
fwiw.
Your logline focuses on the setup of the story and not the story itself.
What happens when the lead characters love interest is sentenced to die?
What must he do to save her??What specific action?
Yes! That?s the core of the story.
Now a days Twins or multiple births are people wo have this ?special bond?
But what happends when everybody is like this?
It?s the psychology of people feeling threatened by the ones who are most close to themselfs.
Because striving for feeling unique is a characteristic of human nature.
Envy and feeling less then the other is a very importent theme in this story.
It?s the big ?what if? And what does it take for people to turn against the other.
I think I got lost along the way with this concept because i got distracted with the idea of making it a ?selling story?
Thank you for noticing the point, and making me aware of the true core of this story.
Good points made already, I’ll only add that a logline needs to focus on the primary action, goal, and obstacle the main character faces.
Your logline mentions too much, yet at the same time, explains very little about the story and character motivations. You can cut the first two sentences and reword the third so it details the sequence of events which motivated the MC to take action, for example: After his fiance is selected for execution by the government, a [good main character description] must [take this action] to save her life.
Reading through the rest of the comments on this thread, it becomes clear that the story is more about the twins than the lovers so the above example is more of a structural guide at this point.
Agree with Nir Shelter.? The more interesting conflict is between the twins.? I suggest focusing on that.