P.A.D – Welcome to the Future
DavronPenpusher
The last Scribe in a technology ruled false utopian future must unite with an android that contains the entirety of human history, before the ruling corporation can enact their final technological control onto the masses.
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This doesn’t flow for me. You may be trying to put too many details and not enough story. Here are some questions.
The final thing the corporation is about to do is bad?
That somehow human history will prevent it, or human history will be lost. Don’t know which.
Must unite, can be vague. I wasn’t sure what it meant in your context.
Plus there are a lot of words used to set the scene. Is all that needed?
The last scribe and an android containing the complete human history must unite to prevent ….. You get the point. By adding what they are trying to prevent, which would be what outcome the corporation is hoping to achieve would tie the elements together.
To prevent ………. the last scribe and an android must….
I can see making of something I would watch. But not enough to be sure.
This doesn’t flow for me. You may be trying to put too many details and not enough story. Here are some questions.
The final thing the corporation is about to do is bad?
That somehow human history will prevent it, or human history will be lost. Don’t know which.
Must unite, can be vague. I wasn’t sure what it meant in your context.
Plus there are a lot of words used to set the scene. Is all that needed?
The last scribe and an android containing the complete human history must unite to prevent ….. You get the point. By adding what they are trying to prevent, which would be what outcome the corporation is hoping to achieve would tie the elements together.
To prevent ………. the last scribe and an android must….
I can see making of something I would watch. But not enough to be sure.
Thanks for the comment and suggestions, first time I’ve attempted a logline. Will make some changes and post them shortly, cheers for the advice.
Thanks for the comment and suggestions, first time I’ve attempted a logline. Will make some changes and post them shortly, cheers for the advice.
I think loglines are the most taxing part of writing a script. I planned, do a dump draft, edit, rewrite and rewrite etc. but struggle for weeks over a logline. I counted the other day, my script “the valley” has 93 different attempts. I keep them in a single word document.
Good luck.
I think loglines are the most taxing part of writing a script. I planned, do a dump draft, edit, rewrite and rewrite etc. but struggle for weeks over a logline. I counted the other day, my script “the valley” has 93 different attempts. I keep them in a single word document.
Good luck.
In a technology ruled future where writing is outlawed, a Scribe, and an Android implanted with humanities hidden past, must prevent the controlling corporation from unleashing its technological control onto the masses.
That is a revised version.
In a technology ruled future where writing is outlawed, a Scribe, and an Android implanted with humanities hidden past, must prevent the controlling corporation from unleashing its technological control onto the masses.
That is a revised version.
In a future where writing is banned and technology dominates, the last Scribe and an Android must prevent the controlling Corporation from unleashing its latest device onto the masses.
Or that one.
In a future where writing is banned and technology dominates, the last Scribe and an Android must prevent the controlling Corporation from unleashing its latest device onto the masses.
Or that one.
I think it would strengthen the logline if the threat that the new device poses were to be clarified, made specific. What, exactly, is at stake? What threat does this “latest device” pose that will make an already bad situation worse (hopeless)?
What objective goal does the BBC (Big Bad Corp) seek to achieve with this “latest device” that it already hasn’t achieved?
I think it would strengthen the logline if the threat that the new device poses were to be clarified, made specific. What, exactly, is at stake? What threat does this “latest device” pose that will make an already bad situation worse (hopeless)?
What objective goal does the BBC (Big Bad Corp) seek to achieve with this “latest device” that it already hasn’t achieved?
I think this logline needs a personal/emotional struggle that’s tied into the technology.
I think this logline needs a personal/emotional struggle that’s tied into the technology.
I agree with dpg regarding what is so bad about the latest device. Doesn’t have to be a huge explanation. Just a hint to why they want to stop it.
….its latest device which will enslave the masses”
Otherwise I think you are hitting the beats. Especially if it is an action script. In an action script characters don’t always have to evolve. Sometime they stay the same and the world changes, look at “Winter Soldier” as an example.
I agree with dpg regarding what is so bad about the latest device. Doesn’t have to be a huge explanation. Just a hint to why they want to stop it.
….its latest device which will enslave the masses”
Otherwise I think you are hitting the beats. Especially if it is an action script. In an action script characters don’t always have to evolve. Sometime they stay the same and the world changes, look at “Winter Soldier” as an example.
Thanks for all the tips and help guys, I have been told to keep it at 27 words or less, is that an actual thing? Trying to stuff all the info in seems tough, 33 is the shortest I have been able to make it.
Thanks for all the tips and help guys, I have been told to keep it at 27 words or less, is that an actual thing? Trying to stuff all the info in seems tough, 33 is the shortest I have been able to make it.
I have heard 25 or less, 35 or less, one sentence…. I think if you need 6 feet of rope, 5 feet 11 inches is a failure. Be as brief and concise as you can, it shows a professional command of the language. But use as many words as you need. The story is king not the word count.
I have heard 25 or less, 35 or less, one sentence…. I think if you need 6 feet of rope, 5 feet 11 inches is a failure. Be as brief and concise as you can, it shows a professional command of the language. But use as many words as you need. The story is king not the word count.
Hi Davron, there are no rules about length of loglines as such. If you visit the ‘Go Into The Story’ website they have the official studio loglines for scripts bought from first-time writers over the last 7 years. You’ll find loglines with over 100 words.
Hi Davron, there are no rules about length of loglines as such. If you visit the ‘Go Into The Story’ website they have the official studio loglines for scripts bought from first-time writers over the last 7 years. You’ll find loglines with over 100 words.
There’s no hard rule. Only guidelines. Thirty words seems to be the conventional wisdom. How this wisdom was arrived it and by whom, I know not.
So I put the conventional wisdom to a test. I collected and analyzed 600 randomly chosen loglines of scripts that survived the green light gauntlet and actually got made into films. The median length for the sample was 23 words. Nearly 87% of the loglines were 30 words or less. None of them in my sample exceeded 40 words. So I take 40 words I take as my tolerable limit.
The madness behind the measure of an arbitrary maximum length is the presumption that studio suits are busy people facing scores of loglines per day fighting for quality eye ball time. A logline has only a precious few seconds to get it. Ergo, less (aka: “high concept”) is almost always better than more.
My takeaway from crunching hard numbers: while not everyone will agree with the presumption or the conventional wisdom, I see no reason not to.
fwiw
There’s no hard rule. Only guidelines. Thirty words seems to be the conventional wisdom. How this wisdom was arrived it and by whom, I know not.
So I put the conventional wisdom to a test. I collected and analyzed 600 randomly chosen loglines of scripts that survived the green light gauntlet and actually got made into films. The median length for the sample was 23 words. Nearly 87% of the loglines were 30 words or less. None of them in my sample exceeded 40 words. So I take 40 words I take as my tolerable limit.
The madness behind the measure of an arbitrary maximum length is the presumption that studio suits are busy people facing scores of loglines per day fighting for quality eye ball time. A logline has only a precious few seconds to get it. Ergo, less (aka: “high concept”) is almost always better than more.
My takeaway from crunching hard numbers: while not everyone will agree with the presumption or the conventional wisdom, I see no reason not to.
fwiw
Also not to forget that a logline can fulfil two goals for the writer.
The first is structuring tool that helps you boiled down your concept to its bare minimum mission critical elements of the story. This helps you test your concept and see if it is worth spending months on end developing and writing.
The second is a pitching tool that helps you communicate in the most efficient way to others what your concept is. This is what the others have described above.
You need to know which function your logline needs to fulfil and draft it accordingly. In either event less is more of course, but when you need to hook the interest of an over worked executive (who wants to know that you are professional enough to be aware of the pressure he or she is under) the word count is more critical. Drop anything that is not crucial for them to understand.
If you are trying to test and re work your concept then the word count is less important.
Lastly about the logline I will add to what the others have posted that the starting point of your story is unclear. Why now? What makes the scribe need to take action at this crucial point in time?
Hope this helps.
Also not to forget that a logline can fulfil two goals for the writer.
The first is structuring tool that helps you boiled down your concept to its bare minimum mission critical elements of the story. This helps you test your concept and see if it is worth spending months on end developing and writing.
The second is a pitching tool that helps you communicate in the most efficient way to others what your concept is. This is what the others have described above.
You need to know which function your logline needs to fulfil and draft it accordingly. In either event less is more of course, but when you need to hook the interest of an over worked executive (who wants to know that you are professional enough to be aware of the pressure he or she is under) the word count is more critical. Drop anything that is not crucial for them to understand.
If you are trying to test and re work your concept then the word count is less important.
Lastly about the logline I will add to what the others have posted that the starting point of your story is unclear. Why now? What makes the scribe need to take action at this crucial point in time?
Hope this helps.