Posted: 2015-04-02T13:50:57+10:00 In:

When a crate of unknown origin is taken and murder surrounds the mystery, down and out Private Investigator, Connor Collins, must figure out how to stop the ancient Egyptian magic causing havoc before all is lost.

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    3 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      If you drop the murder reference the line doesn’t suffer.

      The theft of a mysterious crate trigger an ancient Egyptian magic. A down and out detective must figure out to how stop it before it destroys the world.

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    2. Logliner

      Don’t need the name. I want your logline to show ‘what’ is “all” !! ‘Who’ is the antag; “Egyptian magic” is a bit weak. Who/what is the origin of this magic? There’s potential in this idea, rewrite!

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    3. Try swapping ‘crate’ for ‘artefact of malevolent elemental power’, swap ‘taken’ for ‘stolen’;

      Remove the cerebral ‘figure out’, and just make it ‘he must stop the ancient Egyptian sorcery from…”
      (I think it’s better to have someone just DO something as opposed to ‘thinking about’, ‘figuring out’, ‘planning to’ etc.)

      Perhaps there is a stronger word than ‘havoc’. To me it suggests mischief and disorder as opposed to wanton destruction and physical threat. More ‘Night at the Museum’ than ‘The Mummy’.

      I also agree with Craig, about removing the murder from the logline and restructuring it.

      good luck!

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