Penpusher
Posted: 2018-06-08T05:38:19+10:00 In:

When his kinky girlfriend is apprehended by bounty hunters, a rich playboy is forced to team up with a hot-headed southern belle, as they delve into the seedy world of LA?s high-class S&M society, hoping to uncover clues to her whereabouts.

When his kinky girlfriend is apprehended by bounty hunters, a rich playboy is forced to team up with a hot-headed southern belle, as they delve into the seedy world of LA?s high-class S&M society, hoping to uncover clues to her whereabouts.
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    5 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      I am missing the connection between?the bounty hunters and LA’s Seedy world of high-class S&M.

      Bounty hunters would bring their skip back to where they are supposed to stand trial.

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    2. Penpusher

      So you’re suggesting I drop the “bounty hunter” bit, and just say:

      “When his kinky girlfriend is kidnapped, a rich playboy…..”

      Is that it?

      Thanks anyway.

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    3. Singularity

      ?Hoping to uncover clues…? hoping isn?t particularly dynamic. It makes it sound like they?re not sure where to look. Maybe it just needs to be ?as the clues they uncover lead them into the bowels of LA?s high-class…?

      Who forces them to team up and why? If he?s a wealthy playboy can?t he just pay someone else? What?s the southern belle?s stake in it? Why is she looking for the kinky girlfriend too?

      As Richiev also pointed out, what?s the connection between bounty hunters and S&M?

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    4. Singularity

      Mikepedley85:
      Pretty good rewrite and in 28 words versus 41 words in the original.

      Alanhyde:
      We often ask questions the answers to which we know will not be in the logline.? We ask them because the logline raises questions when it should only raise curiosity in reading the script.? When a? logline? doesn’t seem to? convey a concise (41 words is too long for a logline) and clear statement what the plot is about.

      fwiw

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    5. Singularity

      As Richiev said.? ?If there’s a bounty on her head, then there’s no mystery where she is; she will have been booked into the Sybil Brand facility for women in the L.A. County jail system pending her trial.? ?If there’s a contract on her head put there by a gangster, then who knows where she is.

      A bounty is legal; a contract is extra-legal.? Which one applies?

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