The Iron Man
Alan SmitheePenpusher
A Nuclear Physicist turned to iron while saving the planet from destruction is shunned and betrayed by the world he saved and now seeks his revenge.
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I read the logline anf though: “Hey, that’s the Black Sabbath song”, then I saw the title, ha!
And I guess it’s good, I liked it, very concise, then again I’m no expert.
Andrew – The story is inspired by the song! Thanks for the feedback.
The logline is too vague in its descriptions.
What does “… shunned and betrayed by the world…” mean in specific detail? What does it look like?
This is the inciting incident and needs to be clarified in such a way that the cause and effect relationship with the goal is clear.
“…now seeks his revenge…”, in what way does he seek revenge? What will he be trying to achieve specifically?
This is the goal and needs to be described clearly so it is understood what the main character will be doing for most of the film.
Hope this helps.
I agree with Nir, it’s too vague but I’m laughing at the whole “Nuclear Physicist turned to iron” – don’t know if thats part of the Black Sabbath song.
Also might want to re-work the title as Iron Man is already taken.