danielarmour2012

Penpusher · 170 points

130 points to Logliner

1 logline
11 reviews

Discovering they’re demigoddesses and guardians of four mystical keys, a geeky push over, her estranged little sister, her former high school bully and her best frienemy must unite against a evil fallen goddess seeking to use the keys to reclaim her true power and enslave the planet.

July 29, 2013

on After being the sole survivor of a gangland style drugstore robbery. A charismatic youth pastor retires and plots to kill the ones who left him for dead.

This is very strong. However, I think the youth pastor taking revenge for the ones that didn't survive might be interesting as well. Could create an interesting moral dilemma for the story.
on Living in a war-torn environment, three resistance fighters who are also best friends sworn to overthrow the tyrant in order to restore their homeland’s independence.

I think there's a strong idea here but the stakes need to be higher and the goal a little more personal. Perhaps the three resistance fighters could be trapped in the war-torn environment and the only way to get home…
on Four teenage urban explorers must walk six miles through the dangerous ruins of Detroit to reach a pay phone after getting robbed in the city’s abandoned underbelly.

I think this is a pretty good idea. However, I think it needs one main character to be the focus and she/he should have a flaw to overcome. Maybe he or she could be leading his/her friends out of the…
on A vengeful hacktivist whose job it is to eliminate all traces of the internet, attempts to take down the very government that imprisoned his freedom.

Hi Tor, I think there might be a strong idea here but it needs to be simpified because, as of right now, it's a little confusing.
on A group of high school kids discover how to time travel, but fail to recognize the potential consequences.

There's an interesting idea here but it needs a main character and it needs to be more specific.
on When the objects, acting in concert worldwide, start refusing to help with bad actions for no apparent reason, it becomes the hell on earth for bad people but not yet heaven for the others. Will we be able to understand what things want to teach us: a lesson in humanity?

It's certainly shorter but it's still pretty vague. There needs to be a main character there, an inciting incident and a concrete goal to achieve or action to prevent.
on Discovering they’re demigoddesses and guardians of four mystical keys, a geeky push over, her estranged little sister, her former high school bully and her best frienemy must unite against a evil fallen goddess seeking to use the keys to reclaim her true power and enslave the planet.

Hi jamesmichael & andrewclau. Both of your tips are very helpful! I was thinking of going with something like this: Bestowed with the power of ancient gods, a geeky push over and her three friends must stop an evil goddess…
on A cop must track down a violent criminal loose in the crime free society of 2050 and learns something about the killer that is set to change her and this utopian society. Psychological thriller.

There's definitely a strong story here, I think it just needs a character flaw/sense of irony for the main character to truly work. Other than that, great work!
on A cop turned writer goes in search of his friend who’s wife was murdered twenty years back to find out if his friend took his revenge or not… which in turn helps him realize his own love that he had held for twenty years.

Hi Olhiveeran. I see a great idea in here but it needs to be simplified. Maybe the Cop/Writer and the friend, who were in love with the wife, go in search of her killer together but the main character starts…
on When her daughter is taken by nanobot creatures, an irresponsible scientist mother must venture beyond the city’s walls and find the creature’s lair to get her back.

Hi Andrewclau. I think the relationship with the daughter and mother should be highlighted a little more. They could be estranged and the mother has to learn more about her daughter to track her down. Or, the mother and daughter…

Discovering they’re demigoddesses and guardians of four mystical keys, a geeky push over, her estranged little sister, her former high school bully and her best frienemy must unite against a evil fallen goddess seeking to use the keys to reclaim her true power and enslave the planet.